Saturday, August 22, 2009

What did I ever do to these people to make them hate me?

I keep trying to figure out why an entire population would lie so extensively about me. What did I ever do to them? Even if they have a reason, whatever I did is probably the result of the aspergers syndrome and I probably had no knowledge that I even upset them in the process. I shouldn't have to play games when I mean no ill will to anyone. Why would "B" be mad at me, Im the one homeless and defiled while "B" takes credit for everything I have ever done. I never intentionally did anything to the "B" group. Im worn out and almost dying from conjestive heart failure to exhausted to walk a mile most days and they always make it about "B" how wronged this person who is sailing off my accomplishments in life is while I suffer the second heart attack out on the street two weeks ago, in 3 years. My body and mind are suffering immensely and they are always trying to make me look like I am some sort of bad person when I've had nothing close to a normal existance in years but they all are mad at me over "B" who is accepted and loved by all my old friends and family members as I am out on the street, ignored because they chose to love "B" over someone they have known their whole life. Im the one that is pregnant and people keep trying to give impossible ultimatums to. Im the one who did nothing wrong and whose whole life has been taken out from underneathe them. "B" had everyone all along. How bad could that life be, all the love in the world and people willing to almost kill an innocent girl for your benefit. Like I said, I have nothing against "B" but I dont appreciate being given outrageous ultimatums that dont even include basic civil rights left intact. Im not even treated like a person. Im told how things will be and forget the rest, then lied about and made to look bad to an entire planet everytime I try to do anything normal. Im pregnant and not allowed to eat, have a bad heart but not allowed to ail, Im tired of this life and having no options but always creating something amazing out of nothing. Using the resources that I have right in front of me which usually includes the dirt that I sit on and a pen and paper and the whole world is treating me like a murderer, sex offender and they never stop lying and calling me a thief, yet Ive done nothing to them. Its like my breathing hinders them somehow but yet no one will put both of us out of our misery.
All this because I dont want to give up my child? But before that it was something else, what about all the impossible demands over the last 6 years for no reason at all and every good intention twisted and made to look like something aweful. Ive done nothing to be so degraded and defiled in this life. I loved everyone equally and never thought that I was better than anyone. I cant find a logical reason for why I am hated on a global level when I would never hurt someone intentionally ever.
It doesn't matter, I'll be dead soon. My heart cant take much more stress and my baby is putting demands on my body that are making it hard for me on a normal level let alone with what everyone expects of me. Usually expecting from me what they would consider abuse if it were them that had to deal with it.
I really am the true Jason Bourne but always some other person is credited with going through hell and back and given the rights to tell my story when they endured a situation for a few months while I was being abused for the last 6 years and had to travel 21,000 miles to keep my life.
Just the pregnancy alone, I've lived like jason bourne with a baby and I bet April will get credit for that to. Every thing I experience discounted and someone that isn't even pregnant held in higher esteem while I lived like hell for this entire pregnancy. Im so tired of it. I have no faith left in anyone accept my child.

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