My world seems so dismal. I try to keep a happy face in such stressful times. I worry about everyone and their mama for reasons that are totally unclear to me. No one is worried about me. They all just want the baby and want me to go away. The funny thing is I’ve had to go away from every place Ive ever been in the last 6 years. I’ve been constantly moving for 6 years and people actually have called me weak, yet none of them could have endured the same fate. None of them would have given up their whole lives and all material object to be forced to be homeless for 6 years.
Im not mad at them they just have absolutely no understanding of the situation that they are judging. They couldn’t possibly relate, its not their fault but it gets old always being condemned based on the slightest imperfection in their sight.
They have accused me of things that are totally untrue. Things that I haven’t done and now Ive got every number trying to give me the 47 fate based on where I go geographically in the county that I grew up in. I was told that 47 indicates that someone is some sort of “baby raper”. You can imagine my mortification that this is being attatched to me in any way.
Im not allowed to have a normal life. Its impossible to run errands, prepare for the birth of my child, find shelter or simply to visit an old friend in the county that I grew up in. Im accused of terrorism for normal behaviors and they are lying about false offenses that they say that I have commited. I literally have done nothing wrong and have autism so all this is doubly traumatizing.
They say that I stole a vehicle and accused me of other thefts that I have receipts for. They accused me of killing someone and being a sex offender and they seem so secure in the fact that they will keep getting away with it. I’ve never stolen a vehicle-I don’t even know how. As far as killing someone goes, I don’t know how to do that either. I don’t even like sex, have had it twice in 3 ½ years and am accused of being a sex offender. I have sex less than mother teresa. Im tired of being threatened and harassed for things that I haven’t done. Not to mention the big ass cover up that has been going on.
When I was suicidal last December I was on a major reckless streak and didn’t care if I lived or died and was drinking 40 proof vodka at the crack of dawn everyday. I was tired of constant sabotage and putting in effort that always went wasted. Not to mention the bad sexual experience that happened to me in Canada after 2 years of celibacy. During this time I met about 4 men that I got to drunk around in a subconscious effort that hopefully one of them would kill me or something.
It was the lowest of low points in my life. I didn’t have sex with any of them but I will admit to making a complete fool of myself and being so low that I allowed them to touch me a little to much, but by no means did I allow them to have intercourse with me. The experiences were extremely uncomfortable and only happened because I was intending on killing myself anyway, I only kissed these men and let them touch me, not my genitalia.
It is really none of anyones business, we’ve all done things that we have regretted in life but these people treat me as if I am a sex offender for being with grown adult men and not even having sex. They imply that I “came” (how disgusting and totally inappropriate). I can assure you that these experiences were not of a “pleasuring” nature. They only happened because I was alone, desolate, suicidal and drunk, but thanks to the same cruelty that I was hoping to escape by killing myself these instances are now on you tube for all to see and with no explanation from me as to why they occurred. 3 of the four men I wouldn’t have let touch me with a ten foot pole if I wasn’t suicidal at the time so when I say it was a low point, it was a really low point. I now have these same men trying to lie and say that they are my baby’s father when they KNOW that they never had sex with me. Like I said I have only had intercourse 2 times in 3 ½ years.
If all of this weren’t enough I have people now substituting the grown men that I was with trying to say that they were secretly little boys and that by my participation I am now a sex offender even though I didn’t initiate the acts and the act occurred with men in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s. How do you conveniently substitute a grown man with a little boy to try and make me look bad. Your disgusting. Not to mention a desparate attempt to make someone look like they were inappropriate. Im a grown woman and these were grown men. You cannot just alter facts in order to ruin someones reputation, totally unacceptable. I now have strangers trying to figure out whether or not I “came” and its none of anyones business. I am not a child molestor nor will I ever be. I am not attracted to family or children. All of this is totally vicious and disgusting… what they imply.
They baby’s real father is decent. I met him in San Mateo and don’t regret one moment of our encounter. I would never do anything to hurt this man as he shares the same genetics as my child and I will always love him as a person for being a part of something I love more than anything on this earth. I want ultimate happiness for him and the woman he chooses to spend his life with. I would never hinder a relationship between him and his child and expect the same courtesy. I don’t think you can be a great parent unless you as parents equally respect each other. It shouldn’t be a tug of war. That isn’t what makes a child flourish and grow. Children are counting on their parents to be parents not overgrown children fighting with each other over things that shouldn’t be fought over. Children want their mother AND their father.
I remember being put in the middle of my parents fueds at every turn, so selfishly being left to referee rather than to grow. Even as a child I remember thinking “why cant these two people get over themselves and concentrate on the child they created that didn’t ask to be here in the first place?” They never stopped trying to make each other look bad and I swore during those times that I would never allow the same thing to happen when I became a parent.
My biggest worry is that the father might be lacking some maturity needed to accomplish this lifelong parenting goal. I am willing to patiently teach him if he doesn’t totally comprehend the importance of a mutual respect and understanding between two adults but I really hope that it isn’t a problem.
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