Today was an emotional roller coaster

I finally got to stay inside today without having to relocate in the morning. What a great gift that is, to not have to go anywhere and concentrate on trying to heal.

Only problem is that I cried the majority of the day because of surpressed feelings of stress, anxiety, rejection, and feeling attacked and bombarded by groups of people that not only keep accusing me of various outlandish crimes but those just gunning to take my baby from me.

After an entire pregnancy of malnourishment and eating at most only once a day if I was lucky, I spent the whole day eating. I basically binged all day and because I had somewhere private I could eat I ate everything I could...how unattractive, good thing I wasn't trying to land a man right?

Part of what provoked this was I met a lady the other day who was as tiny as they come and she said that she eats all day long. I thought to myself "whats that like?" and proceeded to try and find out today. The other part of what brought this on was total and ultimate sorrow as I feel so freaken alone in a world full of people. It seems like no one has a heart lately.

My parents and family all professing to the world how "just" they are by denying love at all costs and the cruelty levels at an all time high. The whole world has an opinion about me but nobody seems to want to allow me normal processes in which to heal. Sometimes you have to have a really bad day to get to the really good days and with all the abuse, physical, mental, emotional and verbal that I am bombarded with everyday I need somewhere sometimes to be alone concentrate on only myself and just cry. Cry, because the truth is that Im in a world where you get called a whore based on the foods you eat, and truth has no bearing or relevance. I continue to be honest and all I ever get is attacked and accused of acting. Im so tired of having to convince people that clearly dont care if I live or die that I have done nothing wrong and that whether or not Im smiling or crying, Im still not acting. Im constantly expected to surpress all emotions and at all costs because the world might be inconvenienced by the fact that their cruelty has officially taken a toll. If Im never allowed to expunge all the negativity that I have had to endure, surpress and carry around with me, how am I ever going to be on the positive, healthy side of the spectrum? Maybe that is their whole point. Maybe they just want the world to believe that I am incapable of positivity and wonderful things? Thats how they keep control I suppose. They treat me as if I am here to suffer for them and at all costs, Im never allowed to shine. The problem with shining for me is this. There is so much mud that has been slung at me that I need a little while of solitude to rid myself of it. There never seems to be time for that but I have to take that time now before the baby gets here, I only have a couple of weeks. And it is my theory that if kids can eat whatever they want that I to can eat whatever I want without being implicated in some sort of premeditated crime. Im sick of malnourishment, Im tired of rediculous food rules that prevent me from being healthy. I have to have a flowing metabolism if I am to be a mentally balanced mom. I cant be worried that you are going to accuse me of something preposterous because today I ate broccoli and yesterday I decided on pizza. Im a wonderful decent soul no matter what I eat and Im not on one side verses the other because of my choice in food.

I lost 140 pounds 7 years ago and I did this by allowing all foods that I was craving but just in moderation. I lost 110 of those pounds in 9-10 months but with all your rediculous versions of what each food groups mean it will be impossible to get in shape and stay healthy.

Quit wasting my time by accusing me of outlandish things, you do this just to trip me up I think. This is my child and I cant wait to be a mom, but between total strangers stalking me and my family trying to justify cruel and unusual treatment of an autistic girl, I have been a mess to say the least.
I just wanted also to appologize to anyone that has tried to legitimately help me that I let down by not understanding what to do or what maybe at stake. I need decompression time away from people to get back on track.
To the rest of the world, I would appreciate it if you would stop expecting from me (a total stranger) what you wont even put yourself through for someone you claim to love with every fiber of your being. How utterly rediculous to expect me to have nothing for a group of people that could care less if I fall off the face of the planet yet you wont even sacrifice your most prized possesion or deepest love in life for someone that you claim that you would die for. But Im supposed to not eat, not drink, not smile, not laugh or listen to music, not have normal thoughts or emotions basically not be a person so that you are satisfied that Im not acting....how fucking cruel of you. As long as you dont have to be held responsible for your previous acts of cruelty against me and you get off scott free for what you've put me through I guess in your book its okay, right? You think that it is only a crime if you get caught, right? Shift the blame carefully in my direction so that you get away unscathed. What a "master" plan you've got going there.