A note to whomever holds my notebooks and journals

My notebooks and journals that have been left behind were never meant as a means to start wars or define the future forever......they are and have been my thoughts through some very turbulent, treacherous times where I was lonely and extremely confused, not knowing who to trust or whether I could trust anyone at all.....They were never meant as a vessel to carry out acts of aggression, hatred or for trying to get even with any entity.....they were all I had when people were not available to me and meant as a way to purge my psyche to make room for more of what my difficult life chose to throw my way.....To use them against individuals now when they were solely created to let me write my way through difficult traumatic times would cause me even more truama as they were never meant to be viewed or seen by others and although you having them makes me feel exploited, the bigger issue right now is that I am trying to convey that I have always just been trying to "make sense of things" but doesn't guarantee that I am always right about things....A lot of things written were written during periods of extreme fright..... ARAT does not equal "a rat" it was a code for something else.... By the way this is the only way I can tell you this, to those of you that hopefully know who you are, I LOVE U and I MISS U.....whether you've been in my life for my entire life or you've been in my life for only a few months this is how I feel........... By the way, I HATE EASTER and any eating habits at all are not me agreeing to be Jesus for anyone at all, Im just gonna ignore the entire day as it freaks me out (no offense to the actual Jesus) and the geo metro I had to leave behind in October 2012 was left in Orange county, not Los Angeles, but I did take a flight out of Los Angeles when I flew to Vegas.......

They say...."we've decided"......well, history has shown me that that always means "we've decided Laci Renee Issel will be our scapegoat on which to take out everyone's transgressions on"

In regard to the "truth or dare" blurb picture above......I rarely lie at all and when I do I make sure that it never could possibly negatively affect another individual's life at all ever..nor or in the future.......

AS usual, today I find out they LIED again and said that I didn't pass some sort of drug test when I dont ever do drugs at all to justify the fucking 3 months with no protection that they always put me through when they can't find anything else to fucking penalyze me for.......I DONT EVEN USE DRUGS AND NEVER WILL USE DRUGS, THE ONLY DRUG I HAVE COME CLOSE TO TAKING IS COLD/FLU MEDICATION THAT IS OVER THE COUNTER FROM ANY STORE OUT THERE.......THE POINT IS.....NO MATTER HOW FUCKING PERFECT I AM THEY ALWAYS FIND A REASON TO ELEVATE ANOTHER GIRL THAT DIDN'T DO ANY OF THE FUCKING WORK WHILE USING MY STORY.........THEY NEVER MAKE THE FUCKING NIGHTMARE END FOR ME, HENCE MY ENTRIES ON FACEBOOK ABOUT HOW TO BE AN AMERICAN IDOL AND WHAT THE REAL LIFE ACTUAL REQUIREMENTS ARE (I HAVE TWO ACCOUNTS AND YOU CAN FIND IT IN THE MARCH SECTION OF THE ACCOUNT THAT HAS A PICTURE OF ME AND YELLOW AND RED TILES BEHIND ME).......................SO IT LOOKS LIKE I HAVE ONCE AGAIN BEEN ABANDONED FOR NO REASON AT ALL BUT TO THE PUBLIC I NOW HAVE BEEN DISGRACED AS A DRUG USER (NO OFFENSE TO PEOPLE THAT USE DRUGS BUT i DONT HAPPEN TO BE ONE OF THEM).......i CAN ACTUALLY NOT EAT WITHOUT DOING SPEED AND WEED WOULD MAKE ME WAY TO PARANOID WITH MY ALREADY INTENSE LIFESTYLE.

i am so tired of people thinking they are eminem, how come no one wants to be themselves? I have value with or without him (no offense to him).Laci renee Issel 4:04 am 3/30/13, and Ben from Indianapolis....are you in love with me or not? As a matter of fact, all of you that have expressed an interest in me...are you in love with me or not because I am getting sick and tired of waking up alone after twelve years of it and Im at the point now where it's like "speak now or forever hold your peace" I've been waiting on the majority of you for fucking ever and still no one wants to be with me? even after sleeping with my super hot friends and getting that out of the way? (Yes, I know about it, they always push her at any man I fall for and they always sleep with her at some point because I am never allowed to have anyone that she hasn't already "christened with her fucking vagina")....don't worry not mad at you but don't EVER try to go there with some lunacy that I was the one that made a possible "relationship" fall apart because men have been thrown at me for the longest time but I still had a picture of one of the men I loved in my mind.....I went two and three years without sex thinking about one of you.......when I moved to Vegas i assumed none of you wanted me and that is when i finally slept with someone else. Different than you sleeping with one of my friends or relatives right under my nose in the same city I chose as my "rebuild my life and move on from men that never showed an interest in me" city..........And you should read the below entry as this isn't the entry I was referring to in my posting on Facebook.....and I of course meant every word I wrote in the below entry (spanish man) but one thing I didn't mention was all the times I was listening to AKON's song "Sorry"....I started listening to this song as therapy for all the aloneness I have had to go through without anyone ever there to comfort me and everytime I listened to it tried to imagine one of the people I love whether it be family or friends saying the words of this song to me as an appology for all the times I was literally in danger from being left outside and having people lied to when it had to do with me to the point where they just believed what they were being told about me rather than find out from me and find out if I was okay or not, when most of the time I was dealing with mass populations of stalkers.....I started listening to this song in my apartment in Las Vegas in January 2013. I don't ever harm people or have bad intentions for people ever so there are very few things I have to be sorry about other than not being able to be in one place for very long.

They are doing it again.....Making it appear as if my thoughts are coming from another source other than myself......Making you think that I can hear someone else think and making you think that all the loving thoughts I have been thinking are coming from another source...........ALSO CHECK OUT WWW.QUALLYCHALET.TUMBLR.COM AS THERE IS ANOTHER COUPLE OF NEW ENTRIES I HAVE POSTED............

I'm so sick of being treated as if I don't even exist.....Everytime I think of someone or giggle with laughter while thinking of someone they treat it as if I am "listening" to someone else think and begin crediting my thoughts to whatever person they say I can hear.......I CANT HEAR YOU THINK, NEVER COULD, DONT WANT TO HEAR YOU, DONT NEED TO HEAR YOU, COULD CARE LESS ABOUT HEARING YOU BECAUSE I HAPPEN TO LIKE THINKING ON MY OWN WAVE LENGTH (Hence the website wavelengthsandprocesses.blogspot.com)....It is so rare for me that the chaos of having everyone fight over my life subsides long enough to actually truely get totally involved thinking the things that I have "wanted" to think about.....This doesn't mean that all the loving feelings I have for various people and animals are ever reciprocated (primarily I think because all the ones I am thinking lovingly about have been made to believe that the thoughts were coming from another person so why reciprocate love I have for them when some other girl is being fallen in love with for just existing while I think of the people I love-hence the last 10 years of "couples" that have gotten together while unbeknownst to some of the men, my thoughts passed off as the girl that they were told was thinking of them)...................................................................................................Im getting irritated as no portion of my own existance is ever credited to me, when without me, half of this wouldn't even be going on...............................................................My thoughts today have been............................The never ending love for my husband (the one's that I was assigned at birth that I never seem to be good enough for but that also have been told that all the loving thoughts for them were coming from another source so no wonder they dont have any feeling for me at all...Husbands assigned at birth for protection purposes only but not necessarily were going to be man and wife with me as adults).............................The want and need for a wonderful man that isn't the assigned husband to come along and love me also..................................I also think of a spanish man often that I can't name in order to respect his anonymity and also don't know if he even wants me to be thinking of him but I can't seem to help it as I am completely and totally enamoured by him and no he isn't part of the 13 men I once wrote about and I'm completely bashful when it comes to him, not to mention I just about have to turn myself inside out in order to not think of him sexually as I worry that it may be unwelcome, but that for some reason drives me insane, thoughts of him started in January, it's almost April and I feel like Im dying inside some days based on I actually miss him and miss him often and have cried over him multiple times.....yes, I do feel rediculous because as usual my thoughts of him have been obviously passed off as some other girls over the last three months, including probably the time when I imagined falling asleep in his arms, the reason I cry over him is because I know that no one will ever allow me to have anyone that I love and continue to tell the world that I am craving people that I have never wanted in my entire existence and that the ones that I do want and love deeply are passed off as some other girls soulmates when I am the one that can't seem to live with out them as they continue to link me up with people I have never even had anything in common with and pass them off as my soul mates....for all I know he thinks nothing of me based on the lies told to him and probably never thinks of me as a possible mate as he was told that I have STD's when I don't.................................................I have also been thinking about the BETA fish that is at the location that I have stayed over the last two days as its dorsal fin is drooping as some of the fish's fins do in captivity and when I put my hand on it's tank it swims toward me and I talk to it...Today it puffed its face up slightly and I told it that it resembled a Lion Fish (A lion with its mane as its fins were fanned out when it puffed its face up and last night, when it swam toward me, I was saying to it "you just want to be held also, don't you, just like me"......................................................I have also taken 2 showers today as I am on my period and had to go so many days in between showers over the last three weeks and just want to feel clean as possible for once while having to deal with a world that mocks and humiliates me as much as possible in order to praise people that didn't accomplish what was said, took a shower last night also...........................................................also have been thinking about "the buddhas" my nickname for every child on the earth as I have been thumbing through magazines looking at pictures of children from Haiti as well as other children in the Magazines, not to mention that I am residing with two adorable buddhas, one filipino and one mexican (I found out that all the loving thoughts toward children that I have been thinking got credited to Tara and now when I use my own term that I coined for children (Buddha) they bow to her....I don't need anyone to bow to me but is anyone understanding how upsetting it is to have your own thoughts life and personality and watch someone else always be adored for it while I literally get treated like shit...........................................................I am so tired of being treated like some sort of desparate, groupie, hoebag, slut, pedifile, killer, bad person everyday of my life while you treat the girls around me like gold that simply got credit for my personality, thoughts, and life's events that I have been though as well as my own experiences...........You adore them everyday of my life and it wasn't even them that did what was said or thought the thoughts or lived through the hardship and I live with this everyday of my life being treated less than an animal................By the way I love every creature on this planet including insects as whenever times got really rough, the one entity that never let me down was, of all things, an insect....I have never hated bugs or spiders and actually made friends with the scorpion that had made a home in my apartment in Las Vegas as it COULD hear ME (I woke up one day and it was crawling on my arm, I put on the carpet and started talking to it and it responded)...........YOU've been misinformed the entire time.............................................................................. I WANT YOU TO THINK OF SOMETHING FOR A MOMENT, MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS SEEM TO BE FULL OF HONOR, COME WITH RESPECT, ARE HIGHLY REVERED AND PRAISED AMONG NATIONS, AS LONG AS THEY HAVE SOMEONE ELSES FACE ATTATCHED TO THEM.....YOU BOW, YOU COMMEMORATE, YOU PARTY FOR, YOU GET TOGETHER FOR, YOU TREAT LIKE FAMILY FOR, YOU AWARD SCHOLARSHIPS FOR, YOU SHOWER WITH GIFTS FOR EVERY ACCOMPLISHMENT I HAVE MADE OVER THE LAST DECADE-PROVIDED THESE ACCOMPLISHMENTS COME WITH A DIFFERENT FACE THAN MINE AND AFTER ALL THESE THINGS MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS PROVOKE, YOU TURN AROUND AND TREAT LIKE SCUM OF THE EARTH THE BEING THEY ACTUALLY CAME FROM--ME, LACI RENEE ISSEL THE REAL ONE BORN JANUARY 26TH 1975, REDDING CALIFORNIA, THE ONE WITH INVERTED NIPPLES AND TWO SCARS ON MY FOREHEAD, WITH AN OVERWEIGHT BODY AND ORANGE AROUND MY PUPILS WITH GREEN IRIS'S.........i AM THE ONE THAT YOU LOVE BUT DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. ..............................................................................................................................................................................When I say I am heartbroken, I have just given you a multitude of reasons that don't always revolve not having a man.....even though I miss having one that wants to be with me. I haven't had a boyfriend because of all the lies in close to twelve years and I'm not a lesbien.....I'm really not into being with someone that doesn't want to actually be with me.........................

I was in the Henderson Domestic Violence Shelter on 3/22/13 and was kicked out after three days of being completely physically ill on the night of the 25th at 10:00 pm for using the telephone.

The morning of the 26th at 9:00am I sat on the other side of the street of the Domestic Violence shelter and watched as a Ford F-150 (golden beigh and Black) pulled into the Domestic Violence Shelter Parking lot......I was told that someone was once again using my lifes events to once again gain some sort of ground with either my family or a group of people that I have worried so much about and that has since found out that someone was in fact doing everything they could (in a legal sense) to care and protect them.....I guess it doesn't matter though because everyone seems to think that I am just here on this planet to be some person's avatar that just doesn't believe in actually putting their own efforts into something..... Since then I have been dealing with all kinds of things trying to stay out of sight from abusers and people looking to use me as their mealticket as usual.....I found another shelter and some of the staff members were like robots (total drones that dont even listen to what your saying and then do the psychological abusive thing where they tell someone that it is them that is the problem (I was called disrespectful, aggressive and basically unstable for telling them I was sick and needed some extra sleep because of all the abuse and the fact that i was sick and my roommate was snoring all night to the point where I didn't actually fall into a deep sleep until around 4:30 from all the sinus presure etcetera...)......................... Laci Renee Issel 1:42 pm 3/28/13

Lets put it this way.......

As I clutch my backpack (literally trying to "hold on to something") I suddenly realize just how important having a boyfriend actually is.............I've known for some time that the remedy I have needed has been to have someone of my own that doesn't get caught up in all the games but it didn't quite sink in until last night.......................................Im at a domestic violence shelter and I went to the staff last night requesting a pillow, not for my head but instead because my backpack is a little to bulky to embrace fully.....I wanted to hold something, since Im about as starved of adult affection and emotional womanly needs as one person could possibly be....................I got my pillow and then it started.....the whimsical romance that I had always dreamed about since childhood......the pillow transformed into the man of the moment and then I could not feel so alone in a world that should go down as the cruelest environment known to mankind for one beautiful soul on the earth.............So anyway there I was, my pillow had become my gent and I felt just a little better about life to the point where I would imagine trying to sneak near him just to be around him (you have to realize that i dont have the self esteem to believe that anyone would want me after years of being laughed at and ridiculed so when I say "sneak" i am referring to sneaking around my own insecurities to be close to someone that makes me insane inside)........pretty soon I was giggling in the manner that I used to when I was young and the world didn't seem so bad for a moment in time........................................................................................................................the biggest slap in the face is to write all this and have every portion of me ignored in the end as soon as you attatch someone else's name to everything I am and just wrote.........This lady heard me and automatically threw my cousin Rachael in the mix.................this has nothing to do with Rachael and never did, no offense to Rachael as she knows that I love her but I am sick of everyone getting so much mileage out of me when it had nothing to do with them.................................For some reason this world seems to have a major problem allowing me to have credit for anything that has always had only to do with me, as I have been a person my entire life and they treat me like a wooden boy named Pinocchio...(And I rarely lie).....................................By the way, you not giving me your approval means nil, as you haven't been there for me ever and if you dont approve of me nothing changes as you will still not be there for me ever.....in the words of Limp Biscuit ...just think about it (wont tell you what song)

Pictures from the last couple months 12/2012-3/2013.......and by the way I've been smiling this way since birth, not my fault they made a blow job spread in Latin Girls xxx magazine indicating the same smile, all I can do is be flattered that someone would want to showcase my natural smile. Also, if you look at the collage of pictures you'll see the picture of the little girl in the red and white dress and the little girl in the white frilly dress as well as the light yellow dress(Me, Laci Renee Issel at 3 years old) as well as the picture of my california identification, sporting the exact same smile as I have told you I have smiled the same way when totally elated since birth.

These people are still not getting it.........I am not joining the military, especially after being forced to live like I was in the military for the last decade when I had no interest in it to begin with, I am not going to jail for something I didn't do, I am not going to change my gender for anyone and I am not going to become a lesbien for anyone either........AFTER TEN YEARS I AM DONE WITH ALL AND ANY DEMANDS PUT ON ME AND PUT FORTH BY ANY GROUP OR ORGANIZATION OF PEOPLE THAT IN MY OPINION SHOULD START DOING IT THEMSELVES IF THEY HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY DECSION..........YOU CAN KILL ME BUT I REFUSE TO CONTINUE TO ALLOW YOU TO FUCK WITH MY FREE SPIRIT LIKE YOU HAVE OVER THE LAST DECADE......iM NOT GIVING UP DANCING EITHER........MY QUESTION IS WHO THE FUCK IS DOING THIS TO MY LIFE AFTER WHAT i HAVE JUST LIVED THROUGH AND WHY? YOU PROMOTED A FRAUD WHO IS NOW LIVING MY LIFE AND EVERYTHING I SAY THAT I AM ABOUT YOU TURN AROUND AND TELL PEOPLE THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF........ IM A FREE SPIRIT, i LOVE TO DANCE, LOVE TO HAVE FUN, LOVE BEING AROUND ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE AND AM NOT STAYING IN THIS FUCKING MIND CONTROL PROJECT ANY FURTHER.....I HAVEN'T BEEN PERMITTED ANYTHING THAT BROUGHT ME JOY OR HAPPINESS IN THE LAST DECADE..........I HATE MILITARY LIFE AND THE CLOSEST TO THE MILITARY I WANT TO GET IS MAKING LOVE TO A MILITARY MAN....................like I said you can kill me but that is all the control i am going to allow you to continue to have................and I'd like to know what you are referring to when you speak of lost wages? Are you referring to my lost wages from being lied about and sabotaged because I know you couldn't possibly be referring to anyone elses lost wages put together with anything that has anything to do with me because I have never done anything to anyone to create them having lost wages so either your talking about me or some other grand scheme has been concocted to siphon money from me somehow and i am unaware of what it is because Ill tell you what, I've been alone the majority of this six month las vegas ordeal......

There are at least eight different Rob's I have known in my life please dont assume you know which one I am referring to

I have a self appointed husband who isn't one of the appointed husbands since birth, last name Wood......and although I am flattered by his willingness to step in and possibly work on behalf of the absentee husbands that I currently have, it doesn't work like that......The husbands appointed since my birth are not actual husbands that I have walked down the aisle with or even consumated a relationship with they are simply there based on the order of my birthrite that is completely ignored anyway and have always been there.....They are assigned for protection purposes only and obviously are at the very least sometimes shitty shitty husbands given the magnitude of abuse that i have already endured but then again they never planned on me even finding out that they were supposed to protect me..... Of course I am still able to fall in love and marry a man of my choosing but nobody ever allows that to happen to me because then i would be entitled to another portion of my birthrite and produce genetic heirw which no one will allow.....Everytime a man has fallen in love with me they have been told that I am gay, lesbien, they were told that I wanted a sex change when i didn't, they were told that I was a criminal when I have never been, they were told that I didn't love them,they were told that i hated the them, they were told basically anything necessary to get rid of them from my life........so here I am single and the only people that know what is going on are my actual husbands appointed since birth which sucks because some of them (not all) are trying to get rid of me but wont technically allow anyone else to love me based on all that comes with the birthrite, so I am forever in limbo at all times without an ounce of love from any source.........and once again you wonder why I hate my life.......speaking of what is supposed to be my protection......he just walked away from me after being at computer number 22 and me being at computer 23 when he is technically supposed to protect me......he isn't aware that I know, doesn't matter though to anyone but me because everyone is making it so easy for these people to abandon their posts, practically offering accommondations for leaving me to die and the aweful thing is....had I done something to deserve the level of mistreatment and abandonment ( I am not referring to the instances that i have been made a SCAPEGOAT for) I would understand, but I have been the biggest love of the 21st century (except on occasions from prolonged antagonization and isolation from anything that is remotely of my being) so none of this makes any sence to someone that always looked past everyones flaws straight to their strengths..............It must be about who is fucking who because I dont have a good body and that is the only reason I can think that I keep getting abandoned..........Shit, they've made it so fucking easy for any average woman with a decent body to suddenly become royalty by simply starving herself for a month, suddenly someone that has absolutely no intelligence is catapulted into a forever spotlight and in order to keep her stay all she has to do is use me mercilessly for every ounce of everything i was good at, natural at, and was fated for to keep her spot and pretty soon I am as usual dumped on, ridiculed for being imperfect body wise and abused physically, mentally, verbally, sexually harassed by lesbiens and men that treat me like they are doing me a favor by letting me exist simply because she had a cute face and nice body ..... oh, sorry, nice "tight" body.......And it isn't as if I can lose weight it is that I will never be tiny, and my reputation all over the world has been reduced to sparse embers that haven't quite died out from the fire....dont worry they'll be around with a bucket of water to extinguish the last flicker of my soul that hasn't been totally snuffed out (how appropriate as they plan to further abuse me in a snuff film).......My question is how did all this happen to me? I was not ever hateful toward anyone or any group of people at all but I think in an effort to "cover up" all the fucking illeagal inhumane shit they have done to me they turned around and tryed to make the world hate me so that they could almost be "justified" in their actions toward me when i have never done anything to deserve what has come my way. Hence all the "pardoning" going on for further abuses and abandonment. .......................................................by the way, Craigslist is becoming a totally scary place where they talk about who and what I know and what they plan on doing to me and all the ways in which they want to hurt me or family members such as my mom who the regard as a "whore" and so on and so on......who gives a shit what a woman does with her body, why does this topic enrage so many men that could be spending that same energy making love to their wives and girlfriends, I dont give a shit if someone is a whore in your mind that doesn't give anyone the right to plan on hurting people.......you'll hurt who you think of as a whore but you'll continue to allow an innocent person like me to be completely and utterly terrorized and abused in every possible fashion and it means nothing to you.....Are you understanding that your pattern of thinking is not exactly on the path it probably should be, the things that matter to you have nothing to do with anyone getting hurt, sex is not killing people, but people are trying to kill me at all times and all you can come up with is that my mom is a whore? Im so close to completely giving up on this planet. and by the way the craigslist portions that are getting scary are located in the "forums" and "discussions" sections some in the relationship sections but primarily in the catagorized places

ANOTHER PERSON PARDONED FOR ABANDONING ME

Another person aware of who and what I am pardoned for abandoning me after being sent to extract me finally from this nightmare, this ten year nightmare that had me functioning at navy seal level just to survive the neglect and abuse from the governments that knew full well that i was supposed to be protected but because they thought I was unaware of who and what i was they thought they would just "sweep me under the rug" and see if they could get me to acclimate to a "normal" existance hoping to skirt their responsibilities completely as a protecting entity over my life.......Since I did find out who I was they have taken an active interest partially to trying to at least address the issue but still have offered no actual protection as of yet and after ten aweful years of inhumane levels of abuse and truama i am being left to die rather than protected and I have heard that Obama is literally playing around with my life and offering pardons to various people and entities to completely abandon me....Pardons for inflictions made by them onto me and the negligence of what me being completely alone and autistic and on my own has caused........................................................................I am treated and have been treated worse than a doormat for the last ten years, i loved all involved in the process never understanding why i was enduring and being subjected to so much abuse, I never took the attitude that i was better than anyone ever in my entire life as that has never been a part of my personality......I have been leaving messages that my navy seal has been listening to for the past couple weeks and still no help from the beatings and muggings on the street, I am still expected to do their job and be on my own, I have loved everyone involved but it is obvious that I am not loved at all otherwise the ten years wouldn't have happened at all as I know for a fact any other woman or girl on earth would have been run to if they were ever posed with danger even once and I have been left to die the entire time and sometimes as they watch satelite footage of me being beaten or kidnapped while they do nothing hoping that Ill die I guess......this is something I dont understand as I have never been a mean evil bad person and if anything was the biggest humanitarian I've ever seen but then again they passed all my thoughts off as "B's" over the last decade while giving the public the illusion that i was thinking sadistic thoughts that I wasn't thinking......They simply lied and they are still lying as even now all my thoughts are being credited to a girl I went to high school with by the name of Kendall, anything that I think they literally act like is coming from her, so every time I think of a man lovingly and with so much depth she is hailed as the most loving being on earth, they did the same thing with "B".....everything I ever think is always credited to someone else.....I have been thinking the most wonderful thoughts all along and even through all of the adversity trying to find something to focus on that would get me through the hardship and now I realized that I did all of that for nothing (meaning that I survived all the hardship of being left to die for ten years for nothing as now everything i ever did and thought has been credited to people it wasn't coming from and i am once again being left to die rather than this ten year nightmare ending for me like its supposed to) The other thing that they do is have bad mean cruel people think thoughts and then they tell the public that it is coming from me........I can not hear Kendall think, I can not hear "B" think, I can only on occasion depending on what is at stake hear two word phrases coming from a specific source which is not always the same.......phrases such as "I know", "It is", "She Is", "YOu are", "Good Luck", "Your not" etcetera but that is the only phrases that have been opened up on the esp spectrum for me.......Other people can hear everything I think about and can hear everything all the others think about but I have only been privy to the two word phrases in the last couple months out of the duration of my life. My thoughts are not Kendalls and Kendall has never been put in harms way to even think some of the thoughts that I have thought as a result of impending danger or flashbacks from danger so it irritates me that another being who has never been through anything is claiming I am listening to these various people when I can not hear them.................I am being murdered and there really is no other way to put it...............they didn't plan on me living through the ten year ordeal in the first place and now that i have there are all the things they have done to me that they are trying to avoid being held accountable for so instead they leave me in further danger and hope that ill kill myself or someone else will kill me.........why couldn't they have just told me ten years ago before I struggled through pow camp type conditions for a decade that nothing I would ever do would matter and that they still were going to abandon me..........................................................................On March 13th I walked from the Las Vegas Strip to the South Point Casino, walked all the way there, nobody knew about it so the next day they wanted me to walk again from close to the strip to the South Point Casino because no one knew i had already made the many mile walk the day before..........what is my point?...............I have to do everything two and three times before it is ever acknowledged to everyone else's one time and even once acknowledged they usually lie and give credit to another person that didn't even do what I had done as if I had never even done it and this has been the rule for the last decade.................And you wonder why I am tired all the time?????????????? Im literally expending two and three times the energy just to get done something that you only require once of everyone else, you think you would require any of the other girls to repeatedly do an action and then have the audacity to not even give them credit for it?????????????????Never would you but for some reason everyone keeps thinking Im their god damn pack mule........

Lost everything I was fighting for because I conveniently as usual got a raging sinus infection that rendered me incapacitated completely

Had to go back into las vegas after becoming so sick that I could no longer be outside and of course it couldn't have happened at a worse time.....Im extremely resilient so for me to be incapacitated by sickness is pretty extreme.....Im frustrated, and sick of being referred to as a prostitute when I have never been one......I went to the only place that I had left to go to to be sick.......Im stuck in the middle of all these people and I am totally getting lost in the shuffle, I feel like giving up completely as all my struggle only seems to have the same outcome, me alone, by myself with no love and homeless (ten years of established history has proven this).............................................................The good thing is this, I Am Free but only in a certain direction and they dont seem to know this....as I am still being treated like endentured servant, when Im not.............I went through five thousand times what the other girls did and still nothing for me ever...................Went to the hospital the night of the 13th and had an ultrasound done as I couldn't understand the reason my abdomin kept moving around from the inside and was told that it was my intestines and that they were in fact moving around and alot and that there wasn't an explanation as to why they were so mobile but that for all intents and purposes there was no baby but it was understood why I had thought something was wrong or had thought that perhaps I may be pregnant.....ST. Rose Hospital the Siena Campus is the hospital I was at starting at 7:00 pm and was discharged at 10:23 pm (I was not at the Lima Campus of St. Rose although i did hear that as usual my hospital visit was used to make the other girl look like she was me except she was at the Lima Campus and there to BLOW some officer or something.) I love how i get laughed at and made fun of when I am smarter than a lot of the people I am surrounded by................................................................................Also the girl that keeps having sex with various people all over vegas has now changed her sexual style to match mine, obviously to create more hardship to me as now all of vegas still thinks that I am actively having sex when i haven't had sex in 5 weeks (today is 3/15/13) I guess this is probably my mistake because in an effort to defend the multiple times she had sex using my identity I told the world that I dont even make any noise while having sex so no she has gone from the moaning queen of the century to completely silent while she's being fucked (this bitch is seriously bound for all kinds of bad shit as she is officially doing this shit on purpose to me now)......................................................................................................Also researched Craigslist the night before last to see what is going on around town since I am increadibly intelligent and can read between the lines and it was said that the plan lately is to kidnap me and bring me to a ten bedroom mansion where I will be forced to participate in a snuff film while being abused and for god only knows how long and then knifed in the stomach and killed thrown in a dumpster and then all involved can collect the insurance policies on my life.........The beatings I have been enduring were coined as "preparation for the movie" (exact verbage on Craigslist) I am still sick with a massive sinus infection/flu and have to stay where Im at at least tonight and find another place to stay tomorrow............I have been in Las Vegas since 10/10/12 and then all the fucking stalkers and ex-boyfriends infultrated las vegas destroyed my reputation with lies and now have told me that i have been getting beaten up because i was told to "go away"............Here is how I feel about all of this, first of all, I was here first and arrived here in an effort to once again rebuild my life after the previous destruction that was caused to me by other greedy as fuck people, second if an individual tells me to go away that is all that is required as I have no interest in continuing to try to be around anyone that doesn't want me around and if they told you different they straight up lied to you as only one person has told me to go away since I have been in Vegas (his name is Todd) and that is all it took for me to say "not a problem" and i have not since seen or tried to see him as we were not some sort of couple to begin with (he told me to go away around February 25, and I have no urge to go around him anyway as I originally thought he may be a friend and later found out that as usual just another tactical manuever to get him to the person of his choice, third, if you tell me to go away from an entire city I say you dont have the right to ask this of me or anyone else as you have been getting away with forcing me to go away from every city I have ever tried to build a home in and for the last ten years in a row............You dont have the right to start beating me up and stealing my money because I was here first and then your brought your fucking rediculous posse here that obviously has to wait for me to do something like move here before they decide on the next "it" city to move to---i was here first and most of you are in fact no brain having cant think for yourselves leaches that need me to do the trail blazing before you even think to go somewhere so Ive had it with you and caring about anything you ask of me, if I do go away it will only be for awhile as my last $170 has been stolen from me and i have no way to afford being in a heartless place that wont help you if you have no resources of your own (all mine have been stolen) Also was accused of tresspassing at Excaliber for walking through their parking lot on my way to the crosswalk (are you fucking serious?) Me and a hundred other people apparently were tresspassing trying to get to the walkway, while in New York New York casino I was attacked by five security guards and told at first that I had taken someone elses property and that the excalibur wanted to see me......once I produced a claim check for the property that i was accused of having that they said wasn't mine, they changed their story and said that they excalibur wanted to see me for supposedly tresspassing....I then was dragged from NY NY casino to the excalibur in handcuffs, once there i was sited for tresspassing when I hadn't even set foot in the excalibur..........I cant believe the lies told just to beat and humiliate me and its been going on like this for ten years........Lets take a look at my life.............................................................................1 I have a selfish bitch that is intentionally fucking every man in Las Vegas and trying to make it look like its me............................2..I have a bunch of men that I once loved so unselfishly using me to fuck the girl of their dreams, humiliate me on national television (American Idol) and claim that they loved me once in the process when the entire definition of love never includes national humiliation even after the relationship is over, so I know they didn't love me but did use me as a catapult to fame and fortune and notariety since I was in Vegas way before they were and still dont understand why ALL OF THEM would practically move to Vegas after I chose this city to rebuild my life away from them since none of them had displayed any interest in me to begin with so why not start over in another place.....Why did they feel the need to move to the city that I was in after I had left them behind wishing them the best with their lives and assuming they had no interest in me, why did they move to the place where I was at and start having sex with every female on earth and right under my nose while claiming that they loved me.........Not one of them ever told me they loved me or had any interest in me at all so I got on with my life and moved to Vegas......How can you believe that any of these men ever loved me to do this to me them knowing how much love I had for them to do all this to me right under my nose (the sex with other women, the national humiliation and then they banded together to do this to me when i left them on such a positive note saying of course you know i love you but I realize you dont feel the same so have a good life.....I have been fully taken advantage of completely by them............and yes I did love them, but now the side of them that they have shown to me is ..... there are no words for the side of themselves that they have been displaying toward me and I just keep shaking my head in disbelief wondering how i was so head over heals in love with people that could do this to me and why they would do this sort of thing to someone that had never harmed them or had bad intentions toward them ever and only had unselfish love toward them---they meant the world to me and it was difficult to come to Vegas and just tell myself that they aren't ever gonna love me so make a new life but i pushed through the lonliness and managed to try and make a life which they quickly dismantled with the help of American Idol (I am not claiming that all involved in American Idol are to blame).......................................4..I have another ex boyfriend and his girlfriend that are planning on using me in a snuff film and then gutting me to death, not only that but his girlfriend is a dumb vicious fucking shit starter for no reason (she's one of those people that demonstrates her power by displaying unusual levels of cruelty toward a populus putting people in fear rather than what an actual leader is where they include the populus's wants and needs within the leadership, she is just straight up tierany and that is how she amasses everything (its all got to be about her or else)....................................5..I get treated like a hooker everyday when I have never been one which isn't that big of a deal except to the man that wanted to be with me recently (him and about 3 others that loved and were considering being with me).............................6..I have the left side of government wanting to attatch a penis to me (give me a sex change when I have never in the history of mankind ever even wanted one or wanted to be a man (they dont seem to take no for an answer either).........................................................7..After going through every possible thing known to mankind (beatings, rapes, kidnappings, forced travel, forced homelessness for eight years and not in a homeless shelter kind of homelessness,) for my cousins and my childhood friend as well as an ex boyfriend I have now been told that I now have to become a lesbien after everthing else I have been through in order to continue to prove my love for people that haven't actually done shit to prove anything to me......needless to say, I am not a lesbien and asking me to become one is definitely where i draw the line.......what my actual problem is with this situation is this.....When has one of them ever had to go through 1/1000 of what i have done for them for me....it isn't a competition but it seems that no matter how much selfless love i have displayed there is always another person that hasn't done 1/1000 of what I have done for them being held in high esteem by them and the rest of the population and all I get out of it is usually another beating........I AM NOT HAVING A SEX CHANGE OPERATION NOR AM I BECOMING A LESBIEN, AND AM ASKING ALL LESBIENS TO FINALLY STOP SEXUALLY HARASSING ME AS IVE BEEN DEALING WITH IT FOR LONG ENOUGH, AND IT IS SEXUAL HARASSMENT............WRITING IN ALL CAPS IS SOMETHING i HAVE DONE SINCE I STARTED WRITING AND ISN'T AN INDICATION OF ANYTHING THAT YOU THINK IT MEANS SO PLEASE KEEP YOUR MEANINGS AND ASSOCIATIONS AWAY FROM ME AND MY LIFE AS YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO ATTATCH AT WILL THINGS TO ME THAT DONT HAVE ANY BEARING..............................................8..I AM HEARTBROKEN AS NOW I AM FACING HAVING TO KILL MYSELF WHEN ALL I WANTED WAS TO REBUILD MY LIFE IN A NEW PLACE AND GET ON WITH MY LIFE --- I AM NOT THE FASHIONABLY HEARTBROKEN EITHER, I AM ACTUALLY HEARTBROKEN THAT MY LIFE IS IN SHAMBLES WHEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO PUT IT HERE ONCE AGAIN, JUST ANOTHER ROUND OF CAREFULLY PLANNED SABOTAGE AND I HAVE NO ONE AND NO SUPPORT AND PEOPLE TREAT ME LIKE SHIT AT ALL TIMES, EVEN THE PEOPLE THAT I HAVE PUT FOOD IN THEIR FRIDGE TREAT ME LIKE SHIT BECAUSE NOW ITS FASHIONABLE TO DO TO ME.......MY QUESTION IS..........WHY HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO DO SHIT LIKE THIS TO SOMEONE THAT ALWAYS LOVED YOU FOR ALL YOUR GOOD AND BAD QUALITIES AND NEVER ONCE JUDGED YOU OR YOUR ACTIONS AND ALWAYS STUCK UP FOR YOU AND GAVE YOU THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT WHEN YOU LOOKED TO THE WORLD LIKE AN AWEFUL PERSON.....WHY ME?....................................................................................................... aND EVERYONES BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH ME ALL OVER VEGAS IS......................THEY THINK I EAT TO MUCH, i EAT LIKE A PIG ACCORDING TO THEM...............i HAVE NO ONE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH TO OFFER ME PEACE, LOVE OR COMFORT, LET ALONE FRIENDSHIP AND THIS IS WHAT YOU COME UP WITH........WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST I DO WITH THE MASSIVE GASHES YU PUT IN MY HEART AND SOUL? i EAT LIKE A PIG? aT LEAST I'VE NEVER DONE TO YOU WHAT YOU SO EASILY DO TO ME........OVEREATING KEEPS ME FROM BEHAVING IN A MEAN SPIRITED WAY THAT DOESN'T EVEN COME NATURALLY TO BEGIN WITH BUT LATELY YOUR TOTALLY PUSHING ME TOWARD WITH YOUR SHALLOWNESS.

Another tid bit of info...........

I hate almost everyone on earth at the moment......Im hobbling around after being mugged and still being expected to concentrate and worry about yet another issue that isn't my issue and still dont know what the hell is going on.............Im never allowed to concentrate on my own life and im sick of it, I haven't done anything wrong and no one gives a shit about me and is acting like I just had sex with someone or something........I haven't had sex for at least a month so i dont give a shit about "the eye" as I am dealing with some very real problems that have to do with me and only me........I do not work for anyone else and after ten years of abuse I am through with these people that continue to demand more and more from me........this bitch that took over my life has beyond gone to far with what she's done and still they continue to treat me like the fraud in my own life........no one still gives a shit about me or what I go through and still continue to lie and create me as a scapegoat to get themselves off the hook for the stuff that they have been doing to me. They are planning on kidnapping me also......just overheard and was made aware................................................................................ I ask you this, what they hell am i on this planet for other than for people to abuse and hurt constantly, there sure shit hasn't been anything in it for me.

Plans being made to kill me next week

Its been aweful, Ive been getting beat up and accused of tresspassing everywhere in las vegas and right after being a paying patron. I was mugged last night one hundred seventy dollars stolen and my credit card stolen (actually its a debit card)......I cant get into serenabeanfeld.blogspot.com based on the fact that i have two step verification on that account and my phone is broken so I cant get the second verification so i have to blog on this site which is useless considering that I have now no respect left for the entity that thinks this website and email have something to do with them...........all my email addresses have been assigned meanings from other entities other than me so now whenever i log into a certain account a meaning has been attatched (not my problem as i didn't assign the meaning and no one asked me what i meant by anything so like i said tell them to go fuck themselves with their rude ass attatchments of meanings to everything in my life)............Im autistic for the billionth time and as usual this is a form of abuse to continue to attatch a meaning that doesn't even apply to me or my personality which ultimately puts me in danger......as if it could get worse, Im already completely homeless and as usual my peer group consists of everything i despise and detest as I am as usual isolated from anyone I can relate to or brings me happiness.............these people never stop testing me and i never get to be myself or normal...........they keep me constantly upset as they jeer at me with accusations while this piece of shit bitch lives the life i worked for and almost died for repeatedly.....Im mortified at the level of abuse that I constantly endure........I should have been dead already from killing myself as everything I do in life is credited to someone else as if I dont even exist................I dont want to exist to these people ever again.........My mother is a selfish bitch, my father is a selfish asshole, and the rest of my family is on both sides resembles the same to continue to leave me out in the street after ten years..................................... Celene Dionne is under the impression for some reason that i am attempting to date her husband based on the fact that I always carry something around that says Rene on it (Its my middle name, as well as the name of a man that works at my old apartment complex and of course even though he doesn't need me in his life I still worry about him -the one from my apartment complex but then again I worry about everyone which is obviously not reciprocated with anyone)....................................Then they are saying that I had a husband, had, as in past tense.....when did I have the husband and why have I lost him........once again, I am autistic and dont understand............................................................................I dont like anyone currently and I have no intention of vying for anyone's side........I have lesbiens that still refuse to take no for an answer and am continually claiming me as theirs when I am not even close to gay....................................................I dont like almost everyone from my past currently, I think they are all using pieces of shit that could care less if I live or die--maybe ill get over it.........Im always being lied to and I dont know what to do as I am treated like a second class citizen at most in my own life........................................Im at the end of my rope and of course they are continuing to lie to everyone that is supportive........................six years ago I was put in an aweful place because of an entertainers daughter who her group of people thought that i was against (i wasn't against anyone) and was abused extensively on her behalf, now I've just gone through all of this abuse again and I find out that it is on behalf of another entertainers daughter (Tom and Katie Cruz) when i had no problem with her either............Both children are of conflicting groups so I have been abused extensively by both opposing forces for no reason when i have had no problem with either child at all......but thats allright I hear the cruz's are "satisfied" with the level of abuse i have now endured for what ever reason they thought that I should have been abused when I have nothing to do with suri and have my own life and problems...................................................................I had a pregnancy test done when in the emergency room at the hospital on february 8th 2013 and was told that the result was negative but that it had a reading of hc -2...........It is my belief that I was lied to.......If i am pregnant i am at least two months, i can tell by the way my body feels.........but then again what put me in the hospital is that i was having severe abdominal pains, severe to the point where i actually went in to a hospital when I am petrified of hospitals................these fucking people in my life lie about every fucking thing and things that have solely to do with my life, so if i am pregnant i will probably have to have an abortion in order to deal with the level of damage that my depressed drinking could have caused not thinking i am not pregnant so you have them to thank for the entire fiasco that you just tryed to dump on me.....................................................my body has felt strange the entire time and I have gained weight in my midsection and that doesn't happen only a month pregnant, once again another attempt to alter history and fate and lie about who the actual father of what could be a possible baby just like they did with my son Silus (lied their asses of about who his father was.)............................................................................These people that have been allowed to run my life have run it into the ground and on purpose, Im mortified at what they have gotten away with.........I dont even have to mention the levels of abuse they have gotten away with, this will go down in history as the worst life ever lived due to people being abusive toward one soul........not even jesus went through this level of abuse......went through three days of excruciating pain but was loved and cared about throughout his lifetime........Ive been dealing with ten years of excruciating abuse, beatings and kidnappings and no regard for the stress levels put on my brain while not being offered an ounce of love from any sourse........If i am pregnant my guess is that it is from December 27th - January 1st as there is no way that I am less than two months pregnant if I am just based on knowing my body but do you see what they hell they just tryed to pull on me and everyone else involved?????? Rewriting history, present and future to fit their wants and needs..........................I want everyone to leave me the hell alone as i have been lied to most likely and now have to deal with the damage caused by that lie and am also a person with feelings and am somewhat in shock as there is no way to get ahold of The international lawyer that could be possibly the father............i was honest and told them i had sex here in las vegas after the long ten years worth of celibacy and its either him or the guy from Romania that I was with.