Lets put it this way.......

As I clutch my backpack (literally trying to "hold on to something") I suddenly realize just how important having a boyfriend actually is.............I've known for some time that the remedy I have needed has been to have someone of my own that doesn't get caught up in all the games but it didn't quite sink in until last night.......................................Im at a domestic violence shelter and I went to the staff last night requesting a pillow, not for my head but instead because my backpack is a little to bulky to embrace fully.....I wanted to hold something, since Im about as starved of adult affection and emotional womanly needs as one person could possibly be....................I got my pillow and then it started.....the whimsical romance that I had always dreamed about since childhood......the pillow transformed into the man of the moment and then I could not feel so alone in a world that should go down as the cruelest environment known to mankind for one beautiful soul on the earth.............So anyway there I was, my pillow had become my gent and I felt just a little better about life to the point where I would imagine trying to sneak near him just to be around him (you have to realize that i dont have the self esteem to believe that anyone would want me after years of being laughed at and ridiculed so when I say "sneak" i am referring to sneaking around my own insecurities to be close to someone that makes me insane inside)........pretty soon I was giggling in the manner that I used to when I was young and the world didn't seem so bad for a moment in time........................................................................................................................the biggest slap in the face is to write all this and have every portion of me ignored in the end as soon as you attatch someone else's name to everything I am and just wrote.........This lady heard me and automatically threw my cousin Rachael in the mix.................this has nothing to do with Rachael and never did, no offense to Rachael as she knows that I love her but I am sick of everyone getting so much mileage out of me when it had nothing to do with them.................................For some reason this world seems to have a major problem allowing me to have credit for anything that has always had only to do with me, as I have been a person my entire life and they treat me like a wooden boy named Pinocchio...(And I rarely lie).....................................By the way, you not giving me your approval means nil, as you haven't been there for me ever and if you dont approve of me nothing changes as you will still not be there for me ever.....in the words of Limp Biscuit ...just think about it (wont tell you what song)