Something from my womanly heart and directed to all those that continue to discount me ....it's difficult to read as even though I paragraphed everything in a decent manner the site posted it all together but read through it and its how I feel. There is a better more readable version posted on both www.quallychalet.tumblr.com (I didn't post the pictures of strangers on the right side of that blog under the thumbnail icon as in the lady who's backside is showing) as well as www.serenabeanfeld.blogspot.com (my newer site)

I can't believe I have had access to this account all along but that I didn't remember that this email was attached to it. Anyway I am being blackmailed by an evil person that wants my life and her supporters are wanting me to go to jail for the fraud she's committed in my life. They are as usual threatening my livlihood (income) if she doesn't get her way. The truth is that I am at the point where I totally don't care anymore but am aching for someone to just remove me from all the harm and love me. I don't know what its like to be loved. I've felt the cold from the concrete for so long now. Like metal or steel that has been flash frozen and the unbearable way the frost penetrates the seat of my pants while sitting on it. Sitting from sheer exhaustion. To exhausted mentally to find a reason to stand as there isn't one. Either that or that is the illusion they have created for me. I am forced to get up though as the freeze becomes intolerable for my backside. And as usual ponder what it would be like to have the warmth of a home-cooked meal and the irreplaceable smell of a small cottage designed for two. Emerging through the snow through the doorway of the most sacred place on earth. From the snow I emerge and pass through the doorway to the most sacred place on earth. The place where the most handsome man on earth is building a fire in the fireplace and the smell of the smoke against the cold air when it first starts like in the olden days. A smell I haven't smelled since early childhood and that I didn't know I missed until today. Gazing at him my mouth parts itself without warning to me and I'll be exposed if he sees me. It's this place that I crave. I'm right where I want to be, my soul making it's way out into the open. The soul of a woman that has been denied every pleasure known to mankind. He's got the most enamouring grin. Fully equipped with a dimple, inviting me closer as I am still stuck on stupid at the door. Internally I want him so bad I can hardly cognate. I'm just dumbfounded while the light from his smile and the fireplace behind him illuminate in my direction. He's strong and I wonder what it would be like if he picked me up and carried me away physically as he has already carried me away mentally. I just want him to touch me....wait, that's a lie....I want to be loved and this is how I imagine the man that falls totally in love with me. I'm so tired of being touched by people that don't have an ounce of concern for me. The confines of our cottage cozy with temperatures rising from the heat source...him. The smell of smoke, florals, aromas of comfort food and the nip of cold air that i can feel at the tip of my nose. I haven't been held in what feels like a millenium and to my knowledge i haven't been made love to ever as I have always been regarded as property and money to the men I have adored and loved the most. There might have been a couple times as it is difficult to not love me and or fall for me. He stands in front of me and beg of him mentally to not say anything at all and just hold me, kiss me on my head and to not let go as I am so weary and completely devoid of any other purpose on this earth other than to feel love....all other purposes have been fulfilled both on my end and missions for the world. Mental, physical, emotional, sexual love between two people that you couldn't pry apart with the jaws of life kind of love. Just for awhile to know what it feels like to be submersed in each other with no boundaries as there is total trust. He would never hurt me, and I would never use or play him. This kind of love has been absent almost my entire life. I've had few exposures...John being the closest but still so far away from a total trusted bond. Seems like it wont ever happen, like the closest I can get is to kill myself and hope to start over in another rehlm or in another life and either way its more waiting.....waiting for something that seems as if it will never happen....waiting while I grow old and unattractive....waiting while my old friends are raising families, having sex and going to get togethers with each other.....waiting as my youth passes me by and I live in one of the most inhumane rehlms known to mankind...The rehlm where threats and strong arming is prevalent the majority of the time and a rehlm that is total opposite of anything that is of my soul. Can't you just make love to me, I've grown tired of people hurting me. They never stop hurting or threatening me. My friends all have been made love to without you ever expecting them to be starved of affection, gratitude and tenderness. I have done all of this, gone through all of this and yet you still love those that wouldn't have ever braved the prison I've been forced to roam within. You always love them and although I understand the physical attractiveness thing, I'll never understand you falling in love with women that don't know the meaning of the word as they would never subject themselves, for you, to the kinds of horrors I've endured. Why is it you rely on me so heavily yet offer nothing to keep me going? I go months at a time with no sexual function at all, not even permitted without intrusion or humiliation the option of brushing lightly over my own feminity. I am humiliated with people offering me sex toys rather than the option of a real man. Sex toys? Why, I am a halfway attractive woman with the ability to find someone that would be with me sexually but just as you do, these other people use me as property to ensure their own safety as they keep having children that they threaten me with celibacy for. This....all this... for years at a time while I am literally the reason you have what you have and I cant get you to release me from this pathetic excuse of an existance now that you have amassed power and fortunes thanks to my brain and my will power. So many of you have found the value in me and the secret has been let out....just as the secret of the Fountain of Youth was only meant for a chosen few as otherwise the fountain would obviously be in danger of drying up, such as what has happened with me. Too many people have been permitted to abuse the priviledge and now its a free for all with no one taking care of the one reason they have what they have had.......ME (Laci Renee Issel) and no, I am not referring to the blonde that you have passed off to the world as me but I am referring to myself, brunette with the inverted nipples,the diagonal scar that runs through my eyebrow and the orange around my pupil Laci Renee Issel. (By the way even if you were to undergo surgery to place a scar on this other "version" of me (the other brunette that looks like Sandra Bullock and my mother) There is no way you can give her so many of the other markings that are prevalent on my body (fungied tonails, inverted nipples, hair that is worn and whethered and thinning from stress, and stretchmarks on upper arms, torso and inside thigh or the beginnings of hairlike capillaries that are rising to the surface on my legs as i am unsure of whether or not these are varicose veins.) Why would you have the fruad have a surgery to create a scar rather than just acknowledge the real life version of events? I am sickened by how far you'll go to make a below average woman appear deserving of the life that I created for myself and you. I am sickened at your lack of overall decency as not once has there been something in it for me as you shower this other person with the fruits of my labor....and I know that she isn't some sort of actual real life Joan of Arc as some of us women have had to be, as how hard is it to have everything handed to you while a false reality is created that makes you look as if you are some sort of amazing, incredible person that you aren't, and obviously could never be but your pretty and that's good enough to sway an entire world population into believing in a total lie? (nothing against pretty people but the intelligent persons out there I'm sure will understand what I am speaking of.) I'm not even alotted the luxery of anything being my own. Everything about me is constantly assigned to someone else. Every object in my possesion fought over the moment I spend my income on it as if it were ever up for "auction" to begin with. Every word I utter is granted to another as if it came out of their mouths when they couldn't possibly even think like me. Every step I take credited to a person incapable of saving their own lives let alone the lives of anyone else as they are too busy trying to find others to do their own work (I am not referring to a necessary delegation of duties such as within a Corporation, Military or Monarchy). Some person out there that has never paid their dues in their own lives let alone the kind of dues paid to function within the relhms they wish to be a part of , taking credit for everything about me. And now this person that everyone thinks is the one that went through my hardships just granted permission to skip that entire process of paying dues and assume my life's story instead, which has one adverse affect other than the world accepting a fictional character over the real thing......they expect that I should have to go through it again. I barely lived through the last ten years as I was shaking hands with death on so many occasions and not through fault of my own but as a result of being left out there to fend for myself and fend off aweful people that got paid to hurt me. I'm exhausted. This isn't a question of whether or not I would sacrifice or put myself in harms way as I have lived through a trecherous time period of a decade. This is about the fact that I wont live through another time period of the same. Laci Renee Issel The real one the brunette with inverted nipples, fungied toenails, varicose veins or bursted capillaries, orange around my pupil, and still Im not good enough for anyone after accomplishing all these things. I found out somethings that have not only hurt me (the president actually both presidencies) but that I haven't gotten around to getting over yet...it's only been a week.