I didn't want to publish this but if I dont I fear some other bafoon will take credit for my psyche and pronounce themselves some sort of world leader and then we will have a vast population of people continuing the stupidity for years to come. I wanted this to be private but I am tired of being under a moron's rule. .............Laci Renee Issel 11/17/12 3:30pm.......................................Apparently no one seems to understand the meaning of "I am litterally out of hope that anything will ever change as the battle of the last ten years has left me fucking comatose"

Apparently no one seems to understand the meaning of "I am litterally out of hope that anything will ever change as the battle of the last ten years has left me fucking comatose"........................................... No one ever stops trying to hurt me, ever..................................... Apparently no one seems to understand the meaning of "I've been asking for some healing time that doesn't include your selfish ass in it trying to use this healing time as a stepping stool to your success you fucking selfish piece of shit asshole that has nothing better to do than to include yourself into every portion of my existance all while proclaiming to the world how much "you dont want me".............................. Apparently the more I try to avoid my ex-boyfriend Marc Arnaud the more I get of him....(which by the way has me inches away from offing myself) The more I try to run away from him the more I run right into him. If I leave the house and try to rid myself of him, there he is....If I take the bus to run away from him, there he is. If I try to forget about him completely (isn't hard for me to imagine my world without him in it) they make some normal function of mine contingent upon HIM. They construct everything so that I am perpetually stuck with him. I have never wanted someone to die in my entire life but all of this has left me desparate to erase him from existance so that I MIGHT BE ABLE TO HAVE A NORMAL EXISTANCE................................... A MAN OF MY CHOOSING RATHER THAN ALL OF THESE MEN THAT HAD SOMEONE ELSE NOT TRIED TO PAIR ME WITH THAT I WOULD NEVER HAVE IN MY LIFE AS I DIDN'T WANT TO BE WITH THE ONES THAT THEY KEEP TELLING ME ARE MY ONLY OPTIONS. My only options???? Not quite, they are the only options given to me as my real prospects are lied to and guided toward someone else to keep me segregated from anyone that I actually have something in common with. and of course the other motive......to keep me from ever shining in my own light, and to keep me under the control of those they want me to be indebted to........................................................ Not to mention that I am literally tired of all the sexlessness and apparently I have been given an ultimatum (as usual) about whether or not to eat or be able to have sex. That's bad enough if it ended there but guess what that really entails.......if I choose to eat, I am choosing Kendall which is a contradiction to me since i am actually trying to "survive" not have someone looming over me that wont hesitate to kill or harm me. If I choose to have access to sex (before I go any further i have to mention that even when i starved my ass off through out the years I still didn't get to have sex as they would show embarrassing video footage of me from a time when i was at my lowest to make anyone that was even thinking of being with me not want me).....like I said if I choose to have sex that means that once again (according to them) I am stuck with the moron of the century, my ex-boyfriend Marc Arnaud (why I even have to say this next thing is beyond me but I was not ever referring to Mark Zuckerberg as Marc Arnaud is an actual person that I once dated not some fictional character as everyone has been led to believe--i have nothing against MarK Zuck except that he's not understanding that none of this was directed toward him which obviously causes me more drama and hardship, when a billionaire thinks that you are trying to use or attack him)............................................. Im not totally sure but I think that that means that he gets to be included (Marc Arnaud) in some way shape or form in my sex life...such as voyuering me or having access to my thoughts or some shit that is totally unacceptable to me....... So basically this isn't a question of food or sex, this is the same ol thing that it always has been.....TWo people that obviously dont give a shit about me or my happiness or what is in my best interest, having control over the best kept secret of the 21st century and using it to propell themselves toward world domination............................... William was right....I MIGHT AS WELL KILL MYSELF. But I think even he loves Kendall which would mean that he isn't as informed as I have been which means that maybe there is a way out of all this. I just haven't found it yet. (By the way, Kendall is someone even I loved dearly as a sister but I have found out that she doesn't share or reciprocate those feelings and has been coming from a perspective that i didn't want to believe she was even capable of............................................... Do I have "A" or something? I didn't think I did. I've been trying to not eat a specific thing ever since I bought it based on fearing once I got it home that somehow i would adversely affect the name of the brand name. (I happen to know a District Attorney with this name, my uncle has this name and someone else has this name and since I care about everyone even though it usually isn't reciprocated I got spooked when I got it home) When i bought it I wasn't thinking on that level I was just buying something that I happen to love, regardless of brand name (this is how i prefer to function) but then when i got it home everyone (meaning everyone all over las vegas and in the house) was thinking that I was trying to invoke harm or some shit, so I haven't touched it for fear that I would adversely affect someone I actually care about................................................. That's usually what happens if I get spooked, I wont do anything either way and everyone else that shouldn't be hinged on my every action but never stops using me as a fucking chess piece, starts making assumptions about my actions or lack of actions rather than just asking me. Pretty soon everything is all blown out of proportion and I am the bad guy for originally becoming fearful and trying to protect the person in question. Like I said, they never stop including themselves where they have no jurisdiction, I am sick of the chaos they have caused. This is the actual reason I continue to ask these people to vacate my life as they don't know anything about me at all and continue to pass on wrong information and get everyone all riled up since obviously they have it so good as to scrutinize such minewt details of something that is supposed to be normal. They are the ones that have caused all of this, not me, yet I will be blamed for it just as I have been all along. Im smarter than all of these people and it gets old for me having a bunch of morons make assesments of me when they don't think past such petty fucking details. I am trying to get over ten years worth of brainwashing and abuse and they are just making shit worse, causing additional confusion for me and those around me and turn around and blame me when they are done leaving a trail of destruction that they blame on me but that they themselves are responsible for given the fact that they have been allowed to pass around misinformation about me when they don't have credentials or know anything about me. I am mortified and this entire thing is going to be blamed on me and not to mention the worst part of this shit is that now we have even more babboons (no offense to the actual animal) that think they are in power and deserve to start administering "Karma" reprocussions on me when I never had any bad intentions to begin with. Im mortified. They had no business being involved in my life to begin with as I hadn't ever invited them in................................................... since no one seems to know anything about me, here it is.......I have cared about everyone I have ever come into contact with. I am the most gentle soul on the earth and it is unnatural for me to be forced to behave otherwise.....I get angry and write and vent and that is between me and that person during that time....I am now getting to the point where I no longer care about anyone that I once cared about based on the fact that no one has yet to remove me from the harm that these baffoons surround me with. That is my main problem. I no longer hop up and feel the need to run for my life or anyone elses based on the quality of my life is basically nil, as I am never allowed to succeed to my full potential or any potential at all for that matter and everything about me is credited to someone else........................................... I am no longer responsive to anything as being surrounded by these kinds of people is a toxic situation for me as I can't even relate to their primitive ways of thinking to begin with. No one uses their brain for anything, they use mine and they compete using their muscles rather than intellect (something not only am I not into at all but I wont ever get used to having to be subserviant to someone that is physically stronger than me but that I have to lend my brain to in order for them to fully run things) They will probably pass off this writing as something that originated from them when that is impossible, they dont have any depth to them at all, everything is mechanical and violent.......................................... I haven't smoked or drank liquor in half a year. I haven't eaten meat in four months. I haven't had any releif for what seems like forever.............................. Im not a terrorist, you scapegoating bastard! Im a nervous wreck with no outlet and don't know what to do. so incredible unconsoleable as I have wanted to step out of my body over the last couple of days from all the stress and anguish of having nothing that is mine and everytime I try to cope someone thinks i am making some sort of deal with them. I'd much rather drink. I feel so utterly tired of having to figure everything out myself and never having anyone to lean on. and how am I supposed to know that if I try that this time will be different........................................ different than all the other times when I flung myself out into danger and barely survived physically as well as most importantly mentally. You don't know how hard it is to keep yourself mentally sound when everyone and everything around you is trying to capitalize on exhaustion and feeling as if your spirit is totally broken and there is no other purpose left. You dont know how hard it is to keep yourself going when all you want to do is literally lay down and die since that seems to be the only way to get some relief from all of it................................................ Especially being an intellectual person in a situation where Physical stamina is of a higher importance and being a person that is in fact capable of surviving but you ask yourself half way through..."do I actually want to continue "surviving" in this manner and for how much longer. It's not a question of whether or not I can do it as I already have. I am a survivor, I have always dealt with whatever comes my way, but I am also a woman that is a feminine woman at heart and feel as if I have tired of having to be as strong mentally and physically as a man................................................ And of course I realize you are going to be confused as to the contradiction of the topic directly above (physical stamina) and the topic where I stated that physical stamina doesn't equal a world leader. The key phrase being "compete". I don't feel the need to compete on a physical level unless its personal goals I set for myself of a physical nature or perhaps when I was little in gymnastics............................................ If we are talking about leading a population I am less likely to have faith in or believe someone that has to use my brain in order to get by but is say, physically able to deal with enclosing one of their body parts in ice for a certain duration of time....On this such level, their physical strength doesn't impress me at all and usually I am left wondering why someone thinks its alright to come into someone elses life not invited and starts physically "competing" for intellectual property that not only wasn't up for competition but doesn't have anything to do with them................................................... When I speak of physical endurance and survival I am referring to SURVIVAL. That is the difference as I have a bunch of people that think every portion of my life is up for competition and that if you do some "world's guiness record" type shit that you should just have a claim to someone elses livlihood......................................................................................................................................................................Ok's are mad at me, think that I caused them harm when I didn't, so now they are trying to get even with me (not knowing the situation or that I was on everyone's side and believed in everyone's freedom of choice to live their lives the way they wanted---like I need another group of people trying to hurt me that i had previously advocated for.....anyway there was a time that I said "the ok's help a lot of people out there, when they don't move for a long period of time they help (kinda like the matrix) someone within the matrix. I guess that never got back to them.................................................................................................. Anyway the last ten years has been one group after another trying to attack me on behalf of their group of people. The reason I was adamant about not being "okay" is that the term got used to help other people steal my life and my income in a way that just isn't "okay" with me. i wasn't referring to their right to be what they wanted in life and I wasn't referring to anything other than my choices in life didn't fall in line with that lifestyle due to certain people using OK as an excuse in both directions, to steal my life. Plus I love children and infants, and like I said i can't constantly save the world........................................................................................... I am so tired of dealing with anger directed at me for another groups problems. Im already constantly on the verge of tears all the time and still haven't had anyone to lean on in a decade. I haven't had the relief from constant stress yet like they say I have and i dont have all these hundreds of dollars that they say they've been giving me, I have $1. .........................................................................................................................................................................My kid died, Im autistic, Im being erased from my own existance, no one cares about me, my dad is a coward(i dont want to believe this at all considering in my eyes he's always walked on water), my mom is ruthless(but is one of the reasons I continue to survive, as I have learned from her lifesaving things both on my end and toward others), I have no protection or break from anything and I have these fucking people that continue to think that I have nothing better to do than to pass their groups tests, I haven't had a loving person touch me in ages and I have people playing games with my life constantly that i didn't sign up for or even want to participate in. Not to mention after missing my best friend with all my heart find out that she doesn't even give a shit about me and will try to hurt or kill me --- this is a girl that I cry over that I miss having in my life who I loved as a sister. .................................................................................I have residual hurt from being beaten raped and kidnapped multiple times and no one acknowledges it nor will they ever, and I have people that never stop trying to torment me with military school when i am a free spirit that hasn't been permitted to have a non regimented life in a decade. I am having a dificult time without people trying to hurt me further. I am so tired. Laci Renee Issel 11/17/12 3:30pm