Another fear

I dont feel as if anyone loves me or could love me after all that I have been through and now I find out that my worst fear may be true. A mesh implant from when i was at that aweful place (the one where I was attacked repeatedly and consistantly over a 39 day period and feared that I would die there and where I had never been exposed to that world before, ever as I grew up in suberbia and wouldn't know the difference between turning left or right as these people try to make an issue -- have I mentioned how i seem to be the only person that is not only abused and almost killed on a repeated basis but how once I live through it I am punished yet again for not knowing the ins and outs of a situation I had never previously been exposed to. Its like living through the pow camps during the holocaust and then having the Americans and other allies put you on trial for living through it, rather than welcome you and treat you as an inspiration. Anyway there I was I think, implanted, which would explain the pulses throughout my body. I feel as if I actually should just kill myself, even though I am not suicidal but I feel hopeless of ever having a decent life or getting from life what I have worked for.. I have a specific person to thank for the implant.(i wont name her as unlike her I actually wouldn't intentionally put someone in a situation where their life was in danger and then turn around and make everything about me---I should though)...Obviously no regard for my life or the fact that I haven't even had a quality of life over the last ten years. I have been through horrors that people only watch movies about or read about but never go through themselves and still I am the bad guy. Is there someone that loves me? It doesn't seem like it. How would I know since I have been used so mercilessly for every other female on earth. I don't believe that anything is about me. I believe that it is about me on the way to getting their way, but only in the sense where they string me along until they get what they want. Then they make it appear as if I am of some concern to them but for the most part they are always just trying to get to one of my friends, my family members, or one of my associations along the way. I miss being around someone that I can relate to as the only people I am ever around are still trying their best to blame me for some attrocity somewhere along the path of this life and I never get to just be a person without someone feeling the need to test me at all times for their group of people and their practices in life. Throughout the years I have been tested by every group imagineable. It is so old now, Im not a walking "let me prove myself to a bunch of people that not only dont care about me but aren't even capable of some of the things I a have been capable of ". Now this moron takes credit for something I wrote in Southern California about how the girl that everyone adores and that gets into everything does so by using my brain and such, but that she is never "tested" once she gets in and basically gets a free ride. I am so sick of this asshole in my life. He uses me more than the fucking girls do. Trying to make a fool out of me everyday of my life and I don't know why he would go there since obviously without me he would be out of material to make himself look good and or famous. Laci Renee Issel 11/24/12 10:11 pm