Could you please stop competing against me for the affections, attentions, and custody of our child. You are seriously starting to break my heart. I am not against you in anyway shape or form but I have to admit its getting hard to be on your side when I see so many people of star like status working overtime to take my son away from me and on your behalf.
You are really testing my forgivability right about now. I want you to always have access to our son as long as you want but for you to exercise some sort of "authority" over me is completely uncalled for.
Again.... I carried our baby with no help from you for almost 38 weeks. In fact I had no help from hardly anyone. I was guilt tripped my ENTIRE pregnancy by people that were much more well off than me, and was threatened for eating, almost all of the 38 weeks of the pregnancy. I had no help with shelter, from either family or friends. I had no protection from stalkers and I was being threatened and harassed the duration of my pregnancy.
Like I said, I am trying to be understanding of you because you are my childs father...BUT.....As I went through hell and completely on my own for 38 weeks often crying myself to sleep, alone, and camping most of the time in order to remove myself from constant stalking, it doesn't seem at all decent that you should be able to come into the picture, after I went through all that, and just start calling the shots.
I realize that you have spent a couple of weeks or months not eating and for that you should be commended. Me and our son are greatful for your sacrifice. I would never in a million years want for you to be in pain and I am concerned for your health and safety, just as I have always been, because you share genes in our sons body. I have a tremendous amount of respect for you, and have ever since I found out that I was pregnant with our child, because that is what I promised our son verbally ever since he was the size of a dime. I have talked to him on a continuous level throughout his developement about how I would never keep him from his daddy and about how no matter how mad at you I ever got in the future that I would shield him from any possible negativity regarding you.....meaning that if I got really irritated with you that I would keep it to myself while around him and do nothing but praise his fathers name while in his presence. The reason why I made this promise is that my parents were always talking negatively about the other while in my presence and all it did was make me feel bad about myself.
I promise to honor my words to our son but again I am fearful that you lack the maturity to reciprocate what I am trying to instill in him.....meaning.....I dont see you sticking up for me even when you are beyond irritated with me for our son's benefit. All of your super star friends are basically trying to convince everyone to just leave me out of our sons life completely and expect you to start dictating whether or not I have certain rights. You are totally breaking my heart when I have extended so much graciousness to our son about his father, when to be totally honest, you had me convinced that you were going to be an absentee parent and you have been totally sneaky behind my back.
You hung up on me and changed your number in order to be "cool" with your new found super star friends and began working behind my back and enlisted the help of so many people (while I have never really never had anyone to stick up for me) that began making decisions about our kid as if I wasn't even there. Like I didn't even exist or have a pulse. Hence the microchip that has now been installed in our child.
It is this that hurts me the most. You didn't have to be so selfish. On one side of the spectrum the world sees as you starve yourself for me and the childs benefit (or possibly your own, as I am unsure about your motives) and on the other side of the spectrum the world doesn't see the side of you that has conspired secretely against me behind my back, and with super star help for many months now. You are even "in" with MY old friends, people that you previously had no knowledge of. The whole time I was crying myself to sleep camping outside, cold and alone, you were getting in with members of my family as well as old friends. I feel totally broadsided.
All I have ever wanted was for you to enjoy being a father to our son and for you to treat me with the respect I deserve for not only birthing, but guarding his development and at all costs, while being ignored and rejected by everyone on earth not to mention the constant burden of having to trek accross the country, twice, with no form of transportation, evading some very threatening stalkers.
It would have been much easier on both your son and I had you just said..."I would love to be a father to our son and let me help you and protect you from these aweful people" You and your family and your network of support could have helped both of us a long time ago. We could have been working together a long time ago. With you and your network of support I could have been something for you to be proud of by now instead of your constant need to "shun" me. Im not trying to be your girlfriend as I suspect with as handsome as you are (sometimes our son totally looks like you and sometimes he totally looks like me) that you have someone very special in your life at least I hope so for your happiness.
To be brutally honest with you though I am totally hurt. This child of ours was litterally the only thing I wanted in this life and with all the stars and the people on Rodeo trying to tell you to take him from me, I feel like once again, I got shafted on a project that was litterally "my baby". Our son was all that I had and all that I ever wanted. I might be poor but the reason is becuase no one will just ease up on trying to make me everyone's Jesus Christ. These people litterally use me so that they dont have to do the work and I am left out in the street homeless and alone everytime they are done using me then they turn around and try to say that I was "taking advantage" of them in order to make it look like my suffering is somehow justified.
John, I now have people trying to jail me and get me committed just because I dont accept their abuse. There is no reason for either event to happen and it sure isn't just.
I have to hurry as someone else needs to use this computer but I wanted to tell you that if I do something that irritates you or that you dont understand, its probably because I really do have autism. Another reason why all that is happening on my end is totally cruel. I would never intentionally harm anyone or anything but it is exhausting trekking this planet totally alone and sometimes because of my health, I need a breather and some time away from loud noises and constant mean accusations. I am trying to get a job to be a decent parent and am commuting with no transportation of my own between sometimes three different counties. I am never playing the game John, I can only hope your not either.
Dont be another person that took the very breath from my lips, John. My air is our son.
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