The most bizarre life ever

My world seems so dismal.  I try to keep a happy face in such stressful times.  I worry about everyone and their mama for reasons that are totally unclear to me.  No one is worried about me.  They all just want the baby and want me to go away.  The funny thing is I’ve had to go away from every place Ive ever been in the last 6 years.  I’ve been constantly moving for 6 years and people actually have called me weak, yet none of them could have endured the same fate.  None of them would have given up their whole lives and all material object to be forced to be homeless for 6 years.

Im not mad at them they just have absolutely no understanding of the situation that they are judging.  They couldn’t possibly relate, its not their fault but it gets old always being condemned based on the slightest imperfection in their sight.

They have accused me of things that are totally untrue.  Things that I haven’t done and now Ive got every number trying to give me the 47 fate based on where I go geographically in the county that I grew up in.  I was told that 47 indicates that someone is some sort of “baby raper”.  You can imagine my mortification that this is being attatched to me in any way.

 Im not allowed to have a normal life.  Its impossible to run errands, prepare for the birth of my child, find shelter or simply to visit an old friend in the county that I grew up in.  Im accused of terrorism for normal behaviors and they are lying about false offenses that they say that I have commited.  I literally have done nothing wrong and have autism so all this is doubly traumatizing.

They say that I stole a vehicle and accused me of other thefts that I have receipts for.  They accused me of killing someone and being a sex offender and they seem so secure in the fact that they will keep getting away with it.  I’ve never stolen a vehicle-I don’t even know how.  As far as killing someone goes, I don’t know how to do that either.  I don’t even like sex, have had it twice in 3 ½ years and am accused of being a sex offender.  I have sex less than mother teresa.  Im tired of being threatened and harassed for things that I haven’t done.  Not  to mention the big ass cover up that has been going on.

When I was suicidal last December I was on a major reckless streak and didn’t care if I lived or died and was drinking 40 proof vodka at the crack of dawn everyday.  I was tired of constant sabotage and putting in effort that always went wasted.  Not to mention the bad sexual experience that happened to me in Canada after 2 years of celibacy.  During this time I met about 4 men that I got to drunk around in a subconscious effort that hopefully one of them would kill me or something. 

It was the lowest of low points in my life.  I didn’t have sex with any of them but I will admit to making a complete fool of myself and being so low that I allowed them to touch me a little to much, but by no means did I allow them to have intercourse with me.  The experiences were extremely uncomfortable and only happened because I was intending on killing myself anyway, I only kissed these men and let them touch me, not my genitalia. 

It is really none of anyones business, we’ve all done things that we have regretted in life but these people treat me as if I am a sex offender for being with grown adult men and not even having sex.  They imply that I “came” (how disgusting and totally inappropriate).  I can assure you that these experiences were not of a “pleasuring” nature.  They only happened because I was alone, desolate, suicidal and drunk, but thanks to the same cruelty that I was hoping to escape by killing myself these instances are now on you tube for all to see and with no explanation from me as to why they occurred.  3 of the four men I wouldn’t have let touch me with a ten foot pole if I wasn’t suicidal at the time so when I say it was a low point, it was a really low point.  I now have these same men trying to lie and say that they are my baby’s father when they KNOW that they never had sex with me.  Like I said I have only had intercourse 2 times in 3 ½ years.

If all of this weren’t enough I have people now substituting the grown men that I was with trying to say that they were secretly little boys and that by my participation I am now a sex offender even though I didn’t initiate the acts and the act occurred with men in their 20’s, 30’s, and 40’s.  How do you conveniently substitute a grown man with a little boy to try and make me look bad.  Your disgusting.  Not to mention a desparate attempt to make someone look like they were inappropriate.  Im a grown woman and these were grown men.  You cannot just alter facts in order to ruin someones reputation, totally unacceptable.  I now have strangers trying to figure out whether or not I “came” and its none of anyones business.  I am not a child molestor nor will I ever be.  I am not attracted to family or children.  All of this is totally vicious and disgusting… what they imply.

They baby’s real father is decent.  I met him in San Mateo and don’t regret one moment of our encounter.  I would never do anything to hurt this man as he shares the same genetics as my child and I will always love him as a person for being a part of something I love more than anything on this earth.  I want ultimate happiness for him and the woman he chooses to spend his life with.  I would never hinder a relationship between him and his child and expect the same courtesy.  I don’t think you can be a great parent unless you as parents equally respect each other.  It shouldn’t be a tug of war.  That isn’t what makes a child flourish and grow.  Children are counting on their parents to be parents not overgrown children fighting with each other over things that shouldn’t be fought over.  Children want their mother AND their father. 

I remember being put in the middle of my parents fueds at every turn, so selfishly being left to referee rather than to grow.  Even as a child I remember thinking “why cant these two people get over themselves and concentrate on the child they created that didn’t ask to be here in the first place?”  They never stopped trying to make each other look bad and I swore during those times that I would never allow the same thing to happen when I became a parent. 

My biggest worry is that the father might be lacking some maturity needed to accomplish this lifelong parenting goal.  I am willing to patiently teach him if he doesn’t totally comprehend the importance of a mutual respect and understanding between two adults but I really hope that it isn’t a problem.

Denied

Ive grown tired of my every action being picked apart, never allowed to be myself and constantly accused of various things because of ranging interests, sometime a dual fascination with polar opposites. So smart at times that I amaze myself and so completely prehistoric at other intervals leave me totally perplexed that my brain hasn’t exploded yet. I notice things that no one notices and these people treat me as if I am some sort of game player when not allowed a period of time, ever, removed from judgement. They feed off my discoveries and then turn around and tell the world that I am jealous of some girl that they gave credit for the discovery to. Every moment of the day badgered by a relentless bunch that have to work overtime in order to lie fast enough to throw off the latest batch of awe struck opportunity granters. People that they will never allow to help me because they know that payback is a real b _ t __. They never allow me to shine because they have some other girl that they use me for. They think they’ve got me, they think they’ve won, yet NONE of them would have lived through the last 6 years that I’ve endured…..not one of them. A bunch of lazy cowards that cant get anywhere by telling the truth ... they have to lie. I’ve been honest the entire time.
Ive landed among greats, hob nobbed with people they would have never in a million years reached with out my fearlessness. They amaze me with their complete determination to rule me with their ignorance. Don’t know a damn thing about what their talking about but all consider themselves better than me and some form of expert yet have never put themselves out there for themselves not to mention for the benefit of someone else. Spoiled brats that haven’t so much as met the earth face to face, trying to tell me “how its going to be”. I roll my eyes because I know that they wont even put their money where their mouth is. And if removed from their money what kind of person would they have become in the last six year period? Would they still be honest after six years of mental cruelty, rapes, kidnappings and beatings. Not to mention a 3 month stint as a third world country experiment in primitive organ doning at the beginning of this journey.
They are all totally ignorant and I am just tired of dealing with constant threats by people that wont even sacrifice their method of existence for a couple of months, yet expect me to always sacrifice something that I care about.
They gave “Annie” credit for all my experiences and all my journeys. They continue to do so. All my journals, all my suffering goes to her and “B”. What happens when I die? Are they going to have to finally rely on their own selves. By then it wont matter because they will have pulled off all the duping needed to ensure their lavish lifestyle. All my poems suddenly belong to “B” everything on earth I have ever created goes to some little bitch that couldn’t think for herself. Can you blame me? I did all the work and they take my breath right from my lungs. It is kind of nice to know that I, more that contributed to the uprising of a new empire. Its nice to know that as a bunch of people profess their never ending love for these two people, that they are really complimenting me. Don’t tell them that, their too “busy” looking for ways to sneer and spit at me, not to mention trying to create situations that make me appear guilty in instances of doing, racism, jealousy, attention getting, man stealing, theft, stalking, and even murder. No one knows the true being I am. Ive become rough at times, to my dismay, because that is a side of me that isn’t natural but brought on by nonstop unprovoked harassment and character defamation. To be quite honest the badgering has reached such unprecedented levels that I am truly amazed at my ability to cut off my own air supply in an all out effort to try to keep it together. I literally have had to stop breathing at times to keep someone from getting their just desserts. There has been no other way than to deny myself body function to continue to ensure some selfish asshole their continued safety. Even right now, someone new shows up and I am just supposed to abandon my own plans to cater to their needs. The selfishness amazes me considering that I am only trying to find solace for a small while. I cant even stand the way that is comfortable because they think that I am trying to send some sort of signal or sign about another group of people. All normal body function denied constantly because of the way “THEY” might perceive it. Everything is about them. I’ve always, my entire life have had my own mannerisms but now they are all denied because they are afraid that I am sending out some sort of …. Whatever…? I just want to be able to have something that is my own, but their selfishness has turned my body into their advocate…..my words…again that they gave credit to “B” for. I cant touch or fold my arms, I cant put one foot on the other as I stand, I cant smile, the list goes on and on. A prisoner in my own body. They take everything I say or write literally instead of in metaphors and they are all hinged on trying to find out whether I am or Im not, a total waste of time
Then they crowd whatever space that I can find to relax and unwind, as if afraid to leave me unattended for fear that I may perhaps be able to lift myself out of the f-ing pit they’ve put me in. Cowards that thing they own me and wont fucking leave me alone. Get away from me I don’t know you. You ruined my life and you video taped me without my knowledge and orgasmed and destroyed my existence. You took advantage of my autism and get the fuck away from me. I COULDN’T COME WHEN I WAS COMPLETELY MORTIFIED BY THE SITUATION I WAS STUCK IN BUT YOU SURE CAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!