Apparently, no one read my last entry

Something you should read

I am not here to make your life continuously easier while mine becomes increasingly unbearable......I did that for the last ten years.......If I ever loved you I most likely still do so dont worry but now you may have to start picking up the slack as I spend the majority of my time surrounded by people that loathe me and its definitely starting to wear on my nerves that everywhere I go I am openly degraded, put down, humiliated, threatened, and lied to and about.......Im pretty much out of tolerance for this kind of lifestyle as I am one of the most loving people on the planet and am totally, as usual, being completely and totally run over verbally and emotionally everyday and all day....... Do not continue to use the numbers I choose as my pin numbers or the passwords for my accounts as an invitation to invoke yourselves into my life, you've taken things way to far on this front...........I have no room to breathe the majority of the day and I dont need you getting all self ritcheous when it comes to things that have nothing to do with you or any portion of your life, it just adds to my stress levels to have you creating additional fictional things to accuse me of based on a pin number or a password.........I spend the majority of my day miserable since no one seems to have anything better to do than to try and get even with someone that never did anything to them ever on purpose and didn't have any knowledge of anything bad happening to them......I AM NOT HERE TO PASS YOUR TESTS.........TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE WASTED ON EVERY GROUP OF PEOPLE IMAGINABLE TRYING TO DECIDE WHERE THEY THINK MY LOYALTIES LIE..........I REALIZE THAT IT HASN'T OCCURRED TO YOU SO I TRY TO GO ALONG WITH IT AS BEST I CAN BUT YOU DONT SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THAT I AM A PERSON THAT MIGHT HAVE HAD MY OWN DREAMS AND GOALS AND THAT ALL THESE DIFFERENT FACTIONS HAVE ROBBED ME OF TEN YEARS OF MY LIFE (I MIGHT AS WELL HAVE BEEN IN PRISON AS I WASN'T EVER ALLOWED TO PROGRESS BEYOND A CERTAIN POINT AND WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO HAVE EVEN ONE RELATIONSHIP WITH ANOTHER BEING ON EARTH FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS)...........................I HAVE NEVER ATTEMPTED TO HURT ANOTHER BEING ON PURPOSE EVER SO I'D LIKE TO REITERATE ANOTHER TIME THAT TYPING IN ALL CAPITOL LETTERS IS IN NO WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM AND ADMITTANCE OF GUILT.......................................I wish i knew how to get you to understand that of course i loved all of you but to watch my life being used in some of the manner that it has and is being used is slowly making me disgusted...............Im being used as a means to hook up individuals together (i do all the work and then they throw another girl in front of the guy that ends up helplessly in love with me at the end and suddenly I've created this "romance" saga that had nothing to do with anyone other than me. I am not referring to me being a "hooker" when I say that I am being used to hook people up.......(nothing against them as I have no problem with how anyone chooses live specific portions of their life) Having men use me to get their girlfriends and wives in with specific entities without so much as at least treating me with respect is to say the least, not why i am here on this planet......Im living at poverty level and I am being used to create global sensations etc without so much as a dime of compensation as I scrape by now homeless again thanks to the fact that on February 20th, 2012 I was done being used once again and thrown out onto the street for creating yet another person that took credit for every portion of my personality and used it to propel themselves forward (I was officially evicted from my apartment on February 22 at 9:45 am at the address of 10925 Southern Highlands Parkway Apt #2065 Las Vegas, Nv 89141............I wasn't wanted or lets just say "needed" any further and then tossed out onto the street with nothing but what I could carry... being homeless once again and of course with no monetary compensation for the newest "it" person that everyone is now so proud of (which is technically me) for the entire duration of time that I was there (I rented the apartment on January 4th, 2013) And this has been the pattern of what I have been so selfishly used for over the last decade and never once has someone taken the high road when offered all my hard work and efforts over a specific time period, not one person has refused to rip me off of my own existance and apply it to their own without more than the effort it took for them swindle it from me....................................................(by the way, I never had any furniture in my apartment, not even one piece and I was so happy to finally have a place where I could get away from every leach on earth and never once did it bother me (this is the difference between someone that has actually been through hell and someone that says they have)..............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Ive grown tired, weary and out of tolerance for the entire thing......that's where Im at lately...........and your so focused on whether or not Im a hooker......here's how I feel about it.........I was damn near celibate for an entire decade and still during that entire time i was being put down and accused of hooking........I start concentrating on some way to have SOME FORM OF PLEASURE AND CONTROL IN MY OWN LIFE SINCE THERE HASN'T BEEN ANY AT ALL and you are still accusing me of being a hooker............Seems to me that no matter what the actual truth is all you'll ever concentrate on is something fictional or distorted or not even close to the actual version of events so why the hell should it matter anymore except on the level where you once again have to make me look bad so that the newest person that is being marketed as the most precious entity in the world will continue holding her title.............It isn't as if you actually give a bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepppp about me or the things that i have had to face, dodge, push through or anything else......the only reason why it matters is so that your newest prodigy can gain worldwide support............If i thought you actually cared, I might try a little harder........................You continue to make things up about me anyway why spend my energy on it anymore as I just wanted to love someone and it seems like you just want to find reasons to not love me...........That doesn't fit my qualifications for someone that I can lean on or trust ever......................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Not to say that you should have to be with someone you dont want to be with, Im saying that Im no longer good at letting you destroy an innocent person to get the girl you want............Just be a #$%^&*( man about it, just say to the world that you dont want me, you want her and that your taking the high road by not exposing an innocent soul to further anguish just for you to have the girl of your dreams..........................................If no one sees the selfishness then I guess it doesn't matter anyway as i already gave up when I got to las vegas and my wallet was stolen back on October 12th.......... By the way.................I dont have to "get it" as its my life and I know every portion of it already considering I was there.............As far as my intelligence levels go I am one of the smartest people of the 21st century in my class (not referring to classroom, or economic class, but am referring to those of us that cant hear your thoughts ever) ........................................................................................................................Im done spinning my wheels for a greedy population of people.........deal with it and quit threatening me...............................

I was thinking that maybe I would find a way to deal with the uuber selfish population of people that seem to think that my only function in life is solely to please and benefit them.............I have grown tired of dealing with a population of people that use me as their Jesus and their scapegoat.......I started out loving and caring about people and now its gotten to the point where Im not ever considered in the equation.......they seem to think that I can continue functioning on nothing......and only for their benefit..........only for them to use whatever comes from my efforts in their own lives........they never supply the things that I required to in order to keep going........Im just supposed to slave away with nothing to go on while I watch an entire population pull me in every direction known to mankind.........I require love to keep functioning on the levels that they want from me and they never supply an ounce of it, ever..............I've done the best I can without the one key component that brings me to life.................I have nothing left.............and I cant wait to leave this greedy, free-for-all, planet, behind.............

from my phone, all my entries, I am at the point where i have lost almost all feeling for almost everyone involved. This doesn't mean that i dont care about you it means that i am done being your joke.....and it also means that i am done with whether or not you announce to the world that you want or dont want me..........Read the following carefully........I dont care if you ever want me at all.......i want me..........I cant stop you from making a mistake, and dont want to stop you. I dont want you to be in my life at all if you dont want to be.......thats how i see it...Also if i tell you i am thinking about someone it doesn't mean sexually....It means that i have always been a loving individual that loves and worries about people that i have met along the way and of course there are those that leave a lasting impression and that I hope are alright especially if i meet them during a time of turbulance.

They want me to go to hell or stay in hell after what I've already lived through. It never ends for me. I'm never allowed to be normal ever. If I'm not fighting for someone else’s causes I get damned. I am never taken into consideration nothing I've been through is ever taken into consideration. it always has to be about someone else. I've been living without normal decencies for all this time and never does it matter what I've already been through. Always some bitch that doesn't want to go through the hardships it takes to earn her spot so she uses and rides me like a pack mule to get what she's to lazy to get on her own. I've been productive all along and the only day I've taken for myself where I haven't been getting abused I get called lazy and told that I'm damned to hell for having my own problems. I'm barely holding on from constant abuse....and it’s constant................................................. This girl that just got out of jail has been residing in the living room of the house that I just rented the room from for close to two weeks and has been domineering and abusive the entire time and has targeted me. The man of the house has been also progressively abusive toward me also since she's been there not to mention mind tripping me and threatening to send me to an institution for asking the girl that's staying in the living room to stop being abusive toward me. So I got kicked out for asking her to stop as well as accused of abusing her. Basically everything that she did to me got turned around on me when I had done nothing wrong. I was a paying renter that didn't plan on having a third person to deal with when I rented the room. I was about to pay my rent when I got kicked out but was trying to ask her how long she was going to be staying there so that I would know whether I was actually about to pay my rent to be abused for another month. That's when I got kicked out, for asking her how long she was going to continue the behavior. I got told to go to a shelter and my reply was why should I have to go back to the shelter when I pay rent.....why doesn't she go to the shelter since she's the one that isn't currently renting here............................................................... > All of it was a set up as usual to make me look bad while getting away with abusing me. I actually liked that guy, started to totally care about another person, and wanted to be close to him but who am I right? No one at all.....everyone has made sure of it. I'm just a woman that's been proposed to eleven times that the world doesn't know they're in love with. They don't even know how much I've loved them sinced they've been lied to all along. I keep overhearing conversations about how they know that I would be loved if the truth were told.............................. I love him. Whoever he is. I am beyond craving him. I say this about the many soulmates I've found. I miss him.....all of him.............................. It keeps coming back to him. ......... kisses love......I miss you with every fiber of my being....I'm crying again for the millionth time this week. I'm so alone. I miss you so much I can hardly breath.....listen to jordin sparks no air……… I am so lonely............. I miss being in his arms............ I say his arms as if there is a him......... There isn't and hasn't been ...but...I miss feeling his lips on mine and sucking lightly on his bottom lip as I travel with my lips down the length of his chest. I miss him with every fiber of my body and every heartbeat. He's amazing and articulate and no matter what he says he misses me. He’ll never let you fully destroy me or erase me from his mind. Im not saying that this man is a reality at this moment but I know he’s out there and this is exactly what I am craving. I ache for a being of light to love and care for. He may listen to the many unkind words said to sway him but he’ll never completely absorb them. I want so bad to feel his strong hands on my back when he pulls me near. I'm so tired of flimsy and fleeting as the norm in my life. I want to feel a constant, consistant, strength that I can sink into. I want to feel the shelter of what a man’s arms can actually mean. I miss feeling his mouth and nose as he rests his face on my forehead while embracing me. This is something that has been absent for longer than I care to admit. > I'm so hungry for him. Mentally sexually thirsting for something remotely close to him in life. Seems like he's been gone so long. Seems like he abandonded ship before he knew what he had hidden amist the layers of mud slung onto me...................... > Laci renee issel > Dec. 8 2012 > Imiss you soo much that I cry from my soul without outward tears. I brave the world everyday without the comfort of your strong grasp............................. Also listen to concrete angel from I think martina mcbride but it could be someone else. That's how this life has been. > I'm gonna have to get myself a lease on life soon. > When I said kisses I meant it as a good thing wasn't saying that we wouldn't have lasted. And love was a term of endearment.............................................................The following entry is from a while back....... I'm petrified I woke up petrified again and the world is still worried about everyone else but me. All I want is for someone to hold me but as usual I can't even get that.....from anywhere. I'm never extended any comfort from anywhere as I am litteraly scared to walk down the street based on my roomate telling me that I'm going to die soon for the sake of some other person. All anyone ever does is worry about someone else, I'm never even worried about. Any other girl would be loved, worried about and catered to to make every effort to insure her safety. My safety completely overlooked in favor of someone that hasn't even contributed one tenth of what I have to this planet. I'm tired of never mattering to anyone, I'm tired of being discounted, mocked, lied about and taken for granted every hour of the day. I'm treated like shit the majority of the time and I'm just supposed to keep trooping along for people that probably don't even love me.........and they think I'm crying over a man. I'm crying from being left to die so many times and with absolutely no regard for my inner fears and as I try to cope all alone. I'm crying that there isn't anyone that seems the least bit concerned, for me at all. They are worried about people that are fully protected already and have been all along, who don't even need worry. They abuse me so bad in every possible way and no one gives a shit. I'm not worth anything to them at all but the ones that have used me the entire time to get where they are now don’t even offer something to keep me going. > Litterally..........they don't even care about their own mealticket and that's all I feel like I've been to these super selfish people who used me until I couldn't even cognate but couldn't lower themselves to even spend some time with me, to give me a familiar face to get me through my pointless day full of nothingness for me and making another fortune for them. Nobody even cares....I'm only an object to them......it seems like that's all I am to them........................................ >I just read craigslist ads and it appears that the men don't know the first thing about me. I read the ads specifically on purpose to see where I stand in the minds of locals.... More of the same assholes that think they've got me pegged. A couple of genuine ones but for the most part they think I am this totally opposite person that I actually am................................................... As you are probably aware I am still surrounded by people that loathe me for no logical reason. I'm so tired of this being my reality. I'm this wonderful person and nobody knows it. They think the imposter is me they hear my thoughts and think that they are listening to hers. They are and have been in love with me all along but thought it was her. I've been proposed to eleven times and not once was I told about them. They think my phone that I'm typing on belongs to someone else even though I have the receipt that shows I bought it w/my debit card so I'm going to log out of my phone and email and log back on. My phone is not stolen from another female my phone is infact mine and I have the receipt for it. Also listen to concrete angel from I think martina mcbride but it could be someone else. That's how this life has been......................................... > I'm gonna have to get myself a lease on life soon.............................. > When I said kisses I meant it as a good thing wasn't saying that we wouldn't have lasted. And love was a term of endearment.................................... Why do you continue to believe anything anyone tells you about me when they professionally lie about me at all times. > If they said that they slept with me or got a blow job they didn't. Im sick of everyone. > Laci Renee Issel 10/4/12 12:35pm

serenabeanfeld.blogspot.com new picture posted look at it

10 years later and I'm still being treated like I have to prove something to somebody after I barely live to the 44 different attempts on my life

hi I have a blog on the site for a while um I've been on the Serena being Feld dot blog spot.com sites um everyone is accusing me of having a stolen phone and it is in fact my phone I have the receipt that has my debit card number on it